17 NSFW Burning Questions With Pornstar James Deen

Fact: James Deen is the porno world's James Dean. 
Fact: He's seen and totally touched Lindsay Lohan's boobs. 
Hypothesis: If we ask him a bunch of questions, he'll give us some really awesome answers.

Let's do this. 

Okay, so first off, why do plumbers have so much screen time in porn? 
The idea of "I’m here to fix your pipes" is just so easy and so fun. People go for the plumber and the pizza guy. If I were to make a movie called Superporno I would have a scene with a pizza guy, the plumber, and the pool boy. Originally it was a fun joke that produced easy innuendos, but now they're just so classic. I produced a movie for Burning Angel called Not Another Porn Movie and it combined all those cliche porno setups. There's a misnomer that people in the industry are trying to make mainstream movies but can’t — some people go the opposite route and do extreme mainstream.

Give me the plot of ‘Logjammin’ - A Jackie Treehorn Production from The Big Lebowski if you directed it.
I’m guessing it would be a homosexual butt-sex movie. That sounds like a movie where a bunch of guys are hanging out and banging each other — which is awesome! If it was called 'Vagbangin’ I’d be like — yeah, that’s a movie about ladies getting banged in their vaginas. It almost sounds like two dudes are placing each other’s penises on top of each other, but like, pointed at each other. I’m doing this with my fingers, I have a visual example, but we’re on the phone… so it’s not effective. I’m laying my index finger on top of my index finger and touching the opposing knuckles. That’s how you jam logs.

Real talk: How awesome are Lohan’s boobs in person?
Oh yeah, they’re pretty awesome. You should go see The Canyons and see them for yourself.

The movie Bret Easton Ellis wrote, right? What's that dude like?
He is one of the most awesome people. You know how you meet people that you’re fans of, but then they suck? I met Bret and he’s really humble and normal and cool. We were talking the first time we met, and he was telling me about how he got started and was like: “yeah, so I started writing this story and people liked it, so I figured I’d write some more." I figured it would be, like, My Dog Spot or something… and it’s Less Than Zero.  Dude was so humble about this amazing book.

Name one girl, alive or dead, that you would incur bodily harm to sleep with.
If I was having sex with a dead girl, that could incur bodily harm by having sex with a dead girl. Is that too much of a technical, realistic answer? I mean, the potential harm of having sex with a dead body? That’s Logjammin'.

Dreamcar. GO!
I really like the car I have now. I have the Nissan GTR. It’s really amazing and the only way to go from there is the McLaren or a Ferrari or a Lamborghini — but those things are expensive. And I’d just rather buy another house. I think that’s a better investment.

So your dream car is a house.
I want the rocket car from The Simpsons. The solid gold house and the rocket car that Chester buys with the Itchy & Scratchy money.

The Farrah Abraham tape — totally fake, right?
No we’re not dating, we were never dating. It was a Vivid movie. It was booked and shot the same way any other movie in my day-to-day life is booked and shot. We got tested at the testing facility that everybody goes to. Vivid booked the movie and shot the scene. It is a regular adult film like any other. I don’t know what the hell they were trying to do with marketing, though. When you say fake, it’s implying it never happened — but sadly, that was something that really happened. I mean, it was a great scene and she’s a wonderful performer.

Are you a lover, a fighter, or a love-fighter?
I’m a logjammer.

We have a great bud over here named Lexi Love...
Lexi Love is so cute! She and I have a scene on (NSFW NSFW SERIOUSLY NSFW) — I’m pulling up a clip, even though you can’t see it. There she is.

...She told us that there are dudes who literally use syringes full of junk on their junk to get boners in the biz. Is this true, and have you done it?
No. The idea of putting a needle in my penis does not seem like it’s worth an erection. I’d rather get a popsicle stick and a rubber band. Putting a needle in my penis? Not a place I want to put needles. That’s no fun.

How often does the casting couch get cleaned?
I don’t think there’s a specific couch. There’s probably not one casting couch. I clean my couch pretty regularly.

I don’t.
But you don’t shoot adult films on them. I do. So I clean it.

In your opinion, what's the greatest plot in the history of porn movies?
The Lemon Stealing Whores video.

Will you ever catch those whores who stole your lemons?
Sadly, you have to be on constant lookout for the lemon-stealing whores, because there are a lot in this neighborhood. But, we can look at our lemon tree every ten seconds and it will be alright.

What’s your favorite non-sexual position?
Uh… on the financial deficit? My favorite non-sexual position? Sleeping? Spooning? Yeah, Spooning.

Finish the sentence, 'I want to be the first porn star who…'
Goes into outer space. I mean, I’m not going to, because it seems like it takes a lot of work. You have to be in shape and stuff… and I hate doing sit-ups. So I don’t think it's going to happen.

Well Kate Upton just went into zero g...
It’s different! F*ck zero g! That’s not the fun part of space! Space is the fun part of space!

What kind of food should never be licked off someone’s body? That seems like a personal question. I would never lick mayonnaise off somebody’s body, I just think mayonnaise is f*cking gross. I wouldn’t lick mayonnaise off of anything.

If you had to… HAD to have sex with one dead U.S. president, who would it be?
Arthur B. Hayes, duh. Wait. I’m trying to figure out if Arthur B. Hayes is a president or if I’m combining two people here. Oh, Chester A. Arthur and Rutherford B. Hayes. I combined two different presidents. I’m having a threesome with two different dead presidents! Suck on that!

Jeremy Glass is Supercompressor's Vice editor and a huge fan of lemons and the whores who steal them.