I Tried To Get Drunk On Non-Alcoholic Beer...For Science

Damn my wandering mind. During a particularly memorable bout of writer’s block, I came up the idea where I'd drink six bottles of non-alcoholic beer over a short period of time.

Startlingly, the idea was approved by my editors and I found myself with a six-pack of Kaliber Non-Alcoholic Premium brew in front of me. Six beers, 0.5 percent of alcohol per bottle, no inhibitions. So, here’s what happens when you foolishly pitch a goddamn story about drinking a sh*t ton of non-alcoholic beer.

Don't try this at home—or do, I'm not a cop. 

This is surprisingly tasty—I think I was expecting something along the lines of old vase-water, but this sort of tastes like soda that’s been soaked in bread. I don’t feel buzzed yet, but I have to pee already. Remarkable. The Internet says each of these are only 66 calories—so if I drink all six, that’s only 396 calories to work off! Hey, what a nice day! 

I figured I’d start feeling full early on, but I’m a bit surprised this happened as I opened up my second beer. The charming wheaty taste has become a little bitter, but I’m literally chugging along. I don’t think I’m drunk yet, but I’m starting to talk with the same enthusiasm about inane subjects like I do when I’m drinking. I don’t know, maybe I’m just more passionate today?

I’m kind of a lightweight, to be honest, so I’m almost always drunk by my third beer. But I just feel full—full of gas and tears and piss. I guess I’m a little bit lightheaded, but for the price I’ve paid, it’s just not worth it. 

Oh, good news—each beer has 1.3 grams of protein, so I’ve just consumed 5.2 grams of protein in liquid. I don’t feel great. It’s like I’ve eaten a loaf of bread—not white bread, either—the fancy stuff you get at a bakery. I realize now that it’s so easy to drink massive quantities of beer because the alcohol inside makes everything feel good. No alcohol, no happiness. 

I’ve peed five times now. I’m a shell of a man. I'm definitely experiencing that heady buzz right now—you know, the kind you get after consuming one bottle of beer. 

As my lips grace the final beer in my six-pack of Kaliber Non-Alcoholic Premium Beer, I feel a wave of relief rush through my body. I’m sober, but it feels like I’ve just eaten an entire f*cking large pizza by myself. Non-alcoholic beer is the premature ejaculation of beverages—the job is done, but boy what a price I’ve paid. I’m not drunk, but I will be spending the rest of the night face down on my bed.

I hate myself and I want to die.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has thoroughly learned his lesson—but probably not.