Does The Celebrity Match The Booze?

Oh, to be famous in this day and age. When celebrities aren't spending their time procreating with the bourgeoisie and naming their kids after their favorite strain of marijuana, they're hard at work creating wine and liquor brands for the masses to enjoy. We sought out five different celebrity-backed wines and liquors, drank them up, and then compared them to the celebrities they embodied. These are the results. 

Ron Jeremy's Ron De Jeremy Rum - 750 ML - 40% ABV - $35.99
Background: This Panamanian liquor was aged seven years before it jumped from barrel to bottle. Hints of vanilla and oak creep up the nose and envelope the palate as the rum comes like a hurricane and leaves a path of destruction as you swallow Ron's alcoholic juice. 
Personality: Ron de Jeremy is kind of like a Cadbury Egg. Brown on the outside with a treasure nestled deep within. It's like rum with a whiskey core. The very same rings true with Ron Jeremy. At first glance, he's your normal neighborhood dude — but when the clothes come off: it's Bonetown, USA. The bottle even has "long smooth taste" right on the label. They're not even pretending this rum's creator has been inside over 4,000 women.

Does It Match? Like its namesake, there's more than meets the eye with Ron de Jeremy. Yes, it matches. 

Dave Matthew's The Dreaming Tree Crush Red Wine - 750 ML - 13.5% ABV - $15
Background: Dave and his buds, in true Dave fashion, just wanted to make a chill wine for chill people to chill out and drink in a chill fashion. 
Personality: Honestly, they should issue this stuff with every new DMB release. It tastes like something a Dave Matthews Band fan would sip as they discuss how love "really is all you need" in a darkened room. It's tasty and fruity and would probably make a great gift for your mom. The fact that this wine takes its namesake from a DMB song totally opens the door to more song titled-based drinks. Can we get a little support for Straight Edge Booze?   

Does It Match? No. There's not nearly enough frat boy in this wine. 

Francis Ford Coppola's Claret Cabernet Sauvignon - 750 ML - 13.5% ABV - $21
Background: Coppola went balls-deep with this thing. His winery, in 2010, debuted new tasting rooms, two restaurants, a swimming pool, a movie gallery, and a park area with game tables and bocce courts. 
Personality: With an entire line of wines available, each eloquently packaged, this is the mise-en-scene of alcohol. Much like Coppola's movies, this wine is complicated and well-executed. It's bold like Marlon Brando, but explosive like Al Pacino.

Does It Match: Yes. Al Pacino even personally comes down to your house and puts a gun to your head while you open your bottle.  

Francis Ford Coppola's Sofia Blanc de Blancs - 750 ML - 12% ABV - $19
Background: If the Cabernet emulates Francis Ford's style, Blanc de Blancs emulates Sofia's. It starts with a pop with a taste that goes on for eternity. Sofia comes packaged in a pretty pink cellophane. It's pretty, but not pretty enough to hold Spike Jonze's attention.
Personality: The flurry of bubbles French-kissed the palate and maybe even got a little bit to third base. It really translated the beauty and eloquence of The Virgin Suicides — except for all the suicides.   

Does It Match? Yes — but purely in the sense that both Sofia and her wine satisfies on a very singular level. 

George Clooney's Casamigos Tequila - 750 ML - 40% ABV - $46
Background: There's some real craftsmanship behind this stuff. Made with oven-roasted agave pinas, fermented for 72 hours with special yeast, aged for a few months. Even the water they use is naturally filtered to ensure consistency in the tequila’s flavor profile. Clooney and his entourage of silver foxes have been privately drinking this stuff for five years. Oh, to be one of the select few who drinks with Clooney. He probably wears his Batman suit during. You know, the Batman suit with the pointy nipples.
Personality: You can really envision yourself sipping this stuff in a villa in Mexico while a mariachi band serenades you in the background as you're getting massaged by the one that got away...

Does It Match? Yes. Every time you take a sip, George Clooney breaks the heart of a single mom. 

Jeremy Glass is an American actress, fashion designer, producer, author, and businesswoman. She co-founded luxury fashion brands The Row, Elizabeth and James, and the more affordable lines Olsenboye and StyleMint alongside her twin sister Ashley Olsen.