How To Give Yourself A Tattoo

D.I.Y. tattooing isn't for prison inmates and angst-filled teenagers anymore. The Stick & Poke Tattoo Kit provides a safe and sterile way to tattoo yourself without the looming threat of infection or regret. We hope. Dirty needles are so 1983. Naturally, we decided it'd be fun to give it a try. BECAUSE D.I.Y. OR DIE. Or whatever — it's a free country. 

The kit comes equipped with a half ounce of black vegan tattoo ink, two sterile tattooing needles, one sterile ink dish, one packet of aquaphor, one sterile witch-hazel wipe, two medical gloves, sterile gauze, a large sterile band-aid, two sterile alcohol wipes, a medical surface covering, and instructions.

Step One: Thoroughly wipe down an area of skin you don't mind being defiled with the sterile alcohol wipe. As the cool burn of the alcohol penetrates your pores, try to think about nice things: like the first snowfall of the season or the first time you touched a nipple. Also, choose a design you won't mind having on your skin until the day of your inevitable death. 

Step Two: Carefully inspect the needle that's about to puncture your layers of skin and leave ink residue. Luckily, these needles are totally safe and sterile — it'd be pretty embarrassing to explain to your doctor that you got Hepatitis C from a bunch of needles you bought online. 

Step Three: Examine the manual and make sure your surroundings are clean and totally free of poop. The last thing you want smeared all over a sterile surface is poop. We cannot stress how much poop can ruin a tattoo. 

Step Four: Vigorously shake and pour the ink into the sterile ink dish. Let the darkness wash over you as the final design you're about to tattoo rummages around in your brain. Sometimes the darkness is so vast that it feels like your soul is disintegrating. Oh man — a skull and crossbones would be so sick!

Step Five: As you start with your initial pokes, penetrate deep enough that there's some resistance as the needle is removed, but not enough to cause loss of blood. You don't want this little tattoo party to turn into another bloodbath. Not again. God no. Never again. 

Step Six: As you poke your design, make sure you're checking the progress to ensure your tattoo is coming out clean and even. If you need to distract yourself from the pain, you're a wussy little baby. Pain builds character and your dad will never be proud of you. 

Step Seven: Eventually, we decided an "X" would be a lot easier to tattoo than a skull and crossbones. Plus, the letter X is meaningful for a variety of reasons. These reasons are far too detailed and moving to get into now. 

Step Eight: Wipe down your sick new tattoo and bandage that sucker up. Be sure to showboat your creation and talk about the process in a loud tone of voice. This, coupled with your new ink, will make men and women ovulate. Men will literally grow ovaries at the sight of your tattoo. You've just caused evolution. 

Overall, the stick and poke kit was a very simple and safe way to tattoo yourself without any of the health risks. Obviously, this sort of thing should always be done by professionals — but if you've gotta do it, you might as well do it right.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and spends his days awake, while his nights are generally spent in an unconscious state. His Twitter handle is @CandyandPizza, because @Oprah wasn't available.