Lifestyle

11 Creative Uses for Condoms that Don't Involve Sex

We owe a lot to condoms. They protect your jimmy from the dreaded clap, give you one last moment of reflection before sex, and keep you from filing a tax return with dependents. But staving off accidental twins is just the tip...of the iceberg.

If you're the conservative type who 1) hates spending money on nice things and 2) chooses not to try one til you put a ring on it, you'll be delighted to know that a $10 box of condoms has tons of other G-rated applications from lighting fires to waterproofing electronics.

Pro-tip: You're gonna want to use non-lubricated condoms for most of these, unless you want to spend the rest of the day with greasy hands. 

1. Retrieve things from the toilet

This one is a no-brainer, but if you need a quick and easy way to protect yourself while fishing something valuable out of the toilet, roll an unused scumbag over your hand. Your hands will be dry and poop-free, and you can finally feel what the bottom of the toilet is like!

2. Protect your brand new watch

Okay, this doesn't make a ton of sense to us, but on almost every forum or article discussing alternate condom uses, someone mentioned that a condom can waterproof a watch in a pinch. So if you're caught in the rain with a beautiful Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso—or this Seiko homage (ish)—you can put it in a condom and stick it in your pocket. Or you can just do it on the wrist like this.
 

3. Make a slingshot 

This simple trick involves a plastic cup, a Jimmy-cap, and ammunition. Cut a hole in the top of a plastic cup, roll that dinger over the top, drop in a penny, pull back, and put out someone's eye. 

4. Open that stubborn jar of honey

If you're anything like me and store your Ghost Pepper Honey near your rubbers, you'll find that this hack is a total breeze. Slip the love glove over the top of the top of lid and the added grip will get that stubborn jar open. 

5. Sneak booze in anywhere

If you're keen on mastering the art of day-drinking and love the thrill of sneaking booze in places like airplanes and the movies, you can use a condom to aid in your sneaking. A regular rubber can hold up to four quarts of liquid and can conform pretty well to whatever it's in so it remains undetected.

6. Start a fire

Say you're trapped in the wilderness with nothing more than a match and a condom. If you want to guarantee your little match will turn into a full-fledged bonfire, bury a Jimmy-hat within the kindling. These things go up fast! Fast and furious!

7. Make emergency socks

Are you a fan of boat shoes? Do you live in flash flood-prone areas? Boom, emergency condom socks. At worst, your shoes will get soaked, but your feet will be bone dry! 

8. Waterproof your phone

Trust us, nothing is gonna get through the latex shield of a trusted prophylactic—these things can really take a pounding.
 

9. Cook delicious meatloaf

I'll admit it, this one looks especially unsettling, but Indestructables has a delicious (?) recipe for condom-boiled meatloaf. It's pretty simple: all you have to do is stick your meat in an unrolled rubber Jimmy-bag and boil in water. Just make sure the temperature is under 100 degrees Fahrenheit or your condom will explode and your meat will get ruined. Heh. 

10. Make a cold pack

This one is so easy even a dumb little baby could do it. Simply fill your condom with water, tie it off, and toss it in the freezer. After a few hours, you have a DIY icepack to sooth your achin' muscles. You see the look on this face? Fuggetaboutit. 

11. Teach your kids how to practice safe sex

Regardless of the fact that sex feels way better sans-rubber, condoms are absolutely vital in protecting yourself against STIs and unwanted pregnancies. The banana is the perfect way to demonstrate the proper method of teaching someone have to use protection. Plus, they taste delicious! 

Yeah, just condom stuff, no big deal. 


Jeremy Glass is a writer for Supercompressor by day and sexual deviant by later-in-the-day. Follow his inane bullsh*t on Twitter: @CandyandPizza


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