If you're a diehard Simpsons fan (spoiler alert: you are), you know there are more drinks out there in the Springfield universe than just Duff Beer. Alcohol is the cause of—and solution to—all of life's little problems, so we've taken a deep dive and ranked every alcoholic (and vaguely-alcoholic) drink that our favorite yellow family has imbibed over their incredible 25-year history. A quarter-century on TV is a perfectly cromulent reason to celebrate.
This Enchanted Speakeasy Takes You Through a Revolving Door Back to the 19th Century
10. An All-syrup Squishee Episode: Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood (Season 5, Episode 8) When Bart and Milhouse find a stray $20 bill, they splurge on a Squishee comprised of 100 percent syrup and go on a pretty significant bender around Springfield. Like all benders, this one ends in tragedy—with Bart joining the Junior Campers.
9. Illegal Bathtub Hooch Episode:Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment (Season 8, Episode 18) When Prohibition hits Springfield, Homer brews his own hooch and becomes the Beer Baron. Rex Banner tries to stop to the whole campaign, but—like all booze-opposers—ended up getting shot out of town on a catapult.
8. Düff Beer Episode:The Springfield Files (Season 8, Episode 10) Almost identical to Duff beer, except with an added-on umlaut from that lying so-and-so, Moe Szyslak.
7. Malk Episode: The PTA Disbands (Season 6, Episode 21) While not alcoholic in nature, at least there's plenty of Vitamin R—which'll keep you going on your never-ending journey for a Bort license plate.
6. Flaming Moe Episode:Flaming Moe's (Season 3, Episode 10) When trying to escape Patty and Selma, Homer concocts a drink called the Flaming Homer. Comprised of liquor from near-empty bottles and a bottle of Krusty brand cough syrup, the secret ingredient is fire. Moe drinks it and packages it as his own, thus it becomes the Flaming Moe.
5. Red Tick Beer Episode: The Springfield Files (Season 8, Episode 10) Eh...needs more dawg.
4. Fudd Beer Episode:Colonel Homer (Season 3, Episode 20) Fudd Beer is the counterpart to Duff, only served in Shelbyville and, as we all know, anything they serve in Shelbyville sucks. Those damn lemon-stealin' cousin-marrying no-goodniks...
3. Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic Episode: Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (Season 6, Episode 10) After Homer and Marge's sex life gets supremely unsexy, Abe Simpson pieces together this old tonic recipe and starts bottling it. Homer and Abe go on a medicine show and sell it until they accidentally burn down their childhood home. (Fun fact: this stuff is the reason Homer was born, thereby confirming that he was definitely an oops-baby.)
2. A single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat Episode: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (Season 5, Episode 1) This episode is, perhaps, the finest homage to the Beatles since The Rutles:All You Need Is Cash. Barney's Yoko is amazing, but Moe having this drink on hand is absolute comedic gold. "Here ya go."
1. Duff Beer Episode: Almost every Simpsons episode ever. Come on, what kind of list would this be without Duff beer at the top? Perhaps the greatest fictional drink of all time, Duff Beer is the reason '90s kids grew up wanting beer over liquor. Plus, they have Duffman—the greatest mascot of all time: OH YEAH.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has been, in some ways, researching for this article since the age of two.