Lifestyle

Has Technology Killed The Post-Sex Cigarette?

Face it, Millennials, the future is here for the long-haul. All around us, we see the effects creeping into the most intimate aspects of our lives. Texting over calling. Sexting over texting. Tindering over sexting. It’s the most technologically-advanced era of our lives and, like everything, sex is the biggest casualty in this happy-version-of-Blade-Runner that we call 2014.

This got us thinking, how much of our sexy routine has really been affected? Take the post-sex cigarette, for instance. We broke down all the elements of this historically wonderful bedroom tradition to find out if the electronic cigarette has officially defeated the analogue cigarette in the post-coitus smoking game.

THE TASTE

Cigarettes: Look, no e-cigarette or vaporizer is ever going to compare to the inaugural drag of a cancer stick. It’s more than a flavor… it’s a feeling that spreads from the lips to the toes. It’s harsh and robust and makes you cough your brains out, but it’s unbeatable.

E-Cigarettes: On the other hand, every cigarette — more or less — tastes the same. You can smoke any flavor as long as it tastes like tobacco. With some e-cig companies going deep into the taste-game by releasing flavors that legitimately taste like churros and rice krispies treats, we’ve got to call this one a stalemate.

Verdict: Tie

THE SMELL

Cigarettes: One of the biggest drawbacks about cigarettes — aside from cancer — is the lingering smell that practically screams “Hey, I’m addicted to this thing” to anyone nearby. Even a heavy dose of cologne and a shower won’t get the smell out. It's enough to spoil any intimate moment.

E-Cigarettes: No smell. Nothing. It’s actually pretty impressive, judging by the amount of vapor that comes out.

Verdict: E-Cigarettes

SEX APPEAL

Cigarettes: There is nothing more attractive than a shadowy figure taking a deep, pensive drag of a cigarette.

E-Cigarettes: Sorry, but you will never ever look like Don Draper if you’re sucking on an oblong black robot d*ck-sized mini-phallus that glows blue at the end. That look is reserved for tourists and greasy club dudes. Don’t be any of those guys.

Verdict: Cigarettes

UNWANTED ATTENTION

Cigarettes: What’s the easiest way to kill the calm post-sex vibe? Noisy roommates who burst into room with wild accusations of smoking indoors. Like we said, the smell is un-maskable.

E-Cigarettes: We call it like we see it — e-cigarettes are covert and everyone knows it. You can puff away in your room and the vapor will dissipate in seconds.

Verdict: E-Cigarettes

WHEN YOU'RE OUT

Cigarettes: You’re outta luck if you run out of cigarettes. How much of a mood-killer is it to put on all of your clothes again and run outside to the closest corner store for a pack of cigarettes? A huge one.

E-Cigarettes: But you know what’s also a mood-killer? Unscrewing your e-cigarette, rummaging around your drawers for the USB plug, plugging the thing in, waiting for it to recharge, dripping in the necessary amount of fuel, and taking a puff.

Verdict: Tie

CONCLUSION 

E-cigarettes with a bullet. It's a sad thing to let go of such a classic, but in the search for a smoking device that provides the least amount of post-coital discomfort, technology prevails. They smell better, they taste better, and they won't cause unwanted attention... or unwanted emphysema. E-cigarettes will never match the built-in sexy sophistication that analogue cigarettes have historically provided, but looking cool is hardly worth the metal tube in your throat at age 40. 

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and often wonders if cigarettes will ever be made illegal like they did in the that awful Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.