How To Make Boozy Homemade Sriracha

In light of recent events, in which our beloved Sriracha was deemed a "public nuisance" by the town of Irwindale, we decided to take matters into our own hands and make our own damn rooster sauce that those city council fat-cats couldn't touch. Naturally, we poured out some whiskey for our fallen homie and created the booziest, most disarmingly spicy hot sauce ever to hit the palate. Damn you, city council!

Step One: Sriracha is made from chili peppers, but to maximize the level of spice we decided a pound of habanero, jalapeño, and serrano peppers would do the trick. 

Even the oil from uncut peppers can burn the more sensitive parts of your body. So just be careful. 

Step Two: Cut up the peppers, especially remembering to chop off the tip. These new skills will give you the satisfaction of a cook combined with the dedication of a Rabbi. 

Step Three: Blend your peppers, while keeping in mind that anything and everything blended afterwards will blind you with heat. So make sure you clean out your blender thoroughly. Or just buy a new one. 

Step Four: Add a tablespoon of brown sugar, a few scoops of regular sugar, and a couple cloves of crushed garlic. Remember to avoid touching anywhere on your body that you don't want to experience scorching heat. Especially your eyes, nose, and crotch. We heard from a friend that it feels awful and burns for hours. 

Step Five: You could raid your liquor cabinet for some of the cheap stuff or go for the gold. A heaping portion of Maker's Mark whiskey adds flavor and helps the spicy sluice blend easier. Take a couple of swigs to quell the pain of the jalapeño-scented air you've been steadily breathing in. 

Step Six: Over a medium flame, add a half cup of distilled vinegar and bring your mixture to a simmer. Add in some salt for flavoring and chili flakes for redundancy. 

Step Seven: After about ten minutes of constant stirring, your hot sauce mixture will cook down and reduce to thick sludge. Harness this sludge and ignore any attempts to taste your creation. That same idiot friend's tongue was burning for hours after. 

Step Eight: Strain your molten hot sludge over a cup and pat down with a wooden spoon to make sure all the liquid-hot gold makes it sans-pulp. 

Step Nine: With your homemade whiskey-infused Sriracha sitting in front of you with impunity, you can congratulate yourself with a hearty pat on the back. 

Step Ten: If you're a total baller, take a swig of your molten concoction. Always remember: pain is just weakness leaving the body. 

The homemade Sriracha was surprisingly tasty and robust. It was not unlike the real stuff, albeit somewhat less viscous. The added element whiskey threw a party in the mouth where everyone was invited and allowed one guest. 

Did it burn? Yes, it burned everything everywhere. The culprit was the vast quantity and variety of hot peppers — duh. This hot sauce isn't for amateurs. It's for tough guys like John McClane or the predator from Predator. It had us weeping tears of warmth and pain that we couldn't wipe away because our fingers were covered in habanero residue. How you like them apples, Irwindale City Council?

If there is one piece of advice Jeremy Glass could give to the masses, it would be to keep your refrigerator constantly stocked with gallons of milk and tubs of yogurt. Because you just never know.