How To Be Stoned At Work (And Not Get Fired)

Published On 04/17/2015 Published On 04/17/2015
How To Be High At Work On 4/20 - Tips For Being Stoned At The Office

Well, it's April 20th, and we all know what that means: you're probably high right now. And unless you're a pro or run a dispensary, you might be feeling a little paranoid as it's a Monday, and you should be at work. 

Don't worry, we've got you covered. If you can kick ass at work, hungover, you can certainly crush the day high as a kite stuck in the earth's stratosphere.

Cole Saladino

1. Break out those eye drops

The tell-tale sign that you’re stoney-baloney is a pair of eyeballs that are as red as a baboon’s reproductive spear. Eye drops legitimately help and you’ll only be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t get that weed off your blinkers. Open wide and water down. Just don’t drink them

Cole Saladino

2. Chew gum

Unless you’re working with a squad of narcs—wait, are you a narc?—your coworkers will be able to smell the aroma of sticky icky dankness on your breath. So, chew gum and hide the smell, and make sure to keep some on your person all day. Double your pleasure, double your fun, quadruple your chances of not getting fired. 

Cole Saladino

3. Douse yourself in cologne

You’re gonna want to make sure your clothes, like your dank breath, don’t reek of bud. We’ve covered a lot of solid colognes in the past, but you’ve got to stick with what works best. Eau de Lacoste smells as fancy as it sounds—and it won't raise any eyebrows like whiskey cologne would.

Cole Saladino 

4. Sunglasses, duh

This is a no-brainer. If the eye drops don’t work, just put some sunglasses on. If anyone asks you why you’re wearing sunglasses inside, simply tell them to mind their own damn business or you’ll slap that wry grin off their face! Then, when you’re sitting down in front of HR, offer them those sick sunglasses as a bribe for keeping your job.

Cole Saladino 

5. Get out of the office

Seriously, go outside and take a walk. Unless you work for Amazon, where walking is punishable by caning, leave the office and try to enjoy yourself. The crisp air will remove some of the scent and give you a spring in your slow, exaggerated steps. 

Cole Saladino 

6. Eat out

Please don’t do the sad-desk-lunch thing. Everyone’s going to know you’re high when they see you scarfing down your tuna sandwich with the type of enthusiasm one only feels under the influence. Tuna’s fine I guess, but tuna’s only incredible when you’re high. Treat yourself by going to a gourmet steakhouse and ordering a tuna sandwich there. Look at that, not even one joke about cunnilingus!

Cole Saladino 

7. Slowly isolate yourself

You’re going to dramatically reduce the risk of saying stupid sh*t by hiding yourself in a corner of the office where no one can see or hear you. Put on headphones and act like you’re super busy putting together an excel spreadsheet or something.

Cole Saladino 

8. Splash water on your big dumb face

Look, once you’re high, you’re high. The Onion suggests you’ll stay high forever, but we all know that you have to just wait it out. If you’ve made the decision to smoke up before a big day, take breaks and splash water on your face. It’ll help keep you alert and less freaked out. Try to not stare into the mirror at yourself and make weird faces after.

Cole Saladino 

9. Drink coffee

Coffee, like everything else out there, won’t “cure” your high, but the caffeine will give you some energy to counter marijuana’s sedating effects. Plus, coffee is so good, man.

Cole Saladino

10. Keep it going

If you’ve looked at steps one through nine and scoffed, knowing you can handle yourself better than any of those freaked-out narcs, then just, like...keep smoking. Of all the vaporizers we’ve tested, the Pax II is easily one of our favorites. Pack that sucker, find an empty stairwell, and get super-duper-wiggity-wiggity-wack. Or whatever.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and injected three pots before writing this article. 



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