How To Have A Two-Hour Workday

Henry Ford may have been the greatest automotive genius of the 20th century, but he really screwed us over when he implemented the idea of an eight-hour work day. 

For those who love working but also don’t mind the idea of spending more than 30 minutes a day in the sunlight, the eight-hour work day can be a major drag. At the same time, we’re all guilty of spending countless hours perusing *ahem* non-work related material during the early morning breakfast hours, the mid-afternoon post-lunch lull, and early evening pre-beer snooze fest.

With that said, here are 8 simple steps to condense your entire day’s worth of deadlines, emails, spreadsheets, and meetings into one power-filled 120-minute stretch of gold. You. Are. Welcome.

1. Try Coffee Drones

Haven’t heard of a coffee drone yet? That’s because you’re way behind the times and we just invented it right now. It’s like this: find a drone, attach it to your coffee, have your trusted intern (more on them in a bit) fly it gracefully into your hand, and, boom: no getting up for coffee. Pro-tip: smaller drones can be used to fly in cream and sugar.

2. Practice total immersion 

The best way of going about immersion therapy is removing all external stimuli. In a perfect world, you’d be able to completely cut out all the excess auditory and visual fat, but you kinda need eyes to work. Thus, get the dopest headphones you can find and cover your ears. Is your deskmate dying to talk to you about the ending of Gone Girl? Too bad, he’s going to have to wait. (Plus, spoiler alert: she faked her death the entire time.) We suggest this 10-hour white noise video on YouTube or, naturally, the 10-hour Nyan Cat. Bonus if you can track down a pair of horse blinders.

3. Keep your list at hand...literally

One of our personal biggest peeves is starting on an assignment and then instantly forgetting when it’s due, who it’s for, how long it should be, and your first name. Writing down your tasks on a piece of paper is useful, but paper is fragile (stray coffee, clumsy hands, spontaneous combustion). Write down all of your tasks on your hand—using every single finger—and get cookin’.

4. Work remotely in the bathroom

The most difficult step in the list. Yes, we understand how vital it is to use the lavatory, but we also know that a five-minute #2 can turn into a 30-minute #3 when you’ve got your smartphone with you.

5. Use your interns to their full potential 

Interns have it so easy these days. Remember when you could send a hungry college grad out into a blizzard to fetch you a diet raspberry soda? That no longer exists. Ugh. Ever since interns started catching on about their, uh well, basic human rights being violated, things haven’t been the same. Well, let’s follow in the steps of our forefathers and kindly ask our interns to feed us lunch. Just follow this simple script to avoid legal issues: 

You: “Hey buddy, you busy?”
Intern: “Not particularly, what’s up?”
You: “Think you could do me a solid?”
Intern: “Sure!”
You: “Would you mind feeding me this scorching hot can of soup while I work?”
Intern: “Pardon?”
You: “I’m just saying, employers usually only hire interns who feed their superiors soup during busy work days.”
Intern: “I guess that makes sense.”
You: “Sure does! And it won’t even violate your rights as a human, right?”
Intern: “I don’t see why not.”
You: “Amazing, just write down our conversation and grab a spoon. I’ll get it notarized later.”
Intern: “Superb! I love you.”
You: “I love you, too.”

6. Go the distance

If you have to leave the office for any reason whatsoever, take your work with you. There's a special name we call people who can't ride a bicycle and close a hot deal at the same time: CHUMPS. 

7. Fuel your desire to work with caffeine

There are tons of caffeine drinks and products available and they all want to set up shop in your tummy. Run a train of caffeine on yourself and don’t break it until it's over. Remember the drone? Damn straight those things can carry cans of Red Bull. 

8. Hire trained assassins

You can find anyone—literally anyone—to carry out any number of dirty deeds by way of the Internet. In this day and age, why not hire a team of machete-toting assassins to senselessly murder you if you don't get out of the office within a two-hour time period? It's the best incentive possible—do your work, or death. Whoa—watch out for the little one in the back. She's feisty. 

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has become so efficient in his time-management, that he only experiences an hour for twenty-two minutes. Tweet him up here: @CandyandPizza

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