The Best Fruits To Smoke Weed Out Of, Ranked

As long as there have been crafty stoners, there've been DIY weed pipes. And when you're determined and bored, you can actually make a pretty decent pipe out of almost any kind of fruit. There are countless tutorials online—including this insanely awesome veggie bong—but the burning question still remains: which one is the definitive best? 

• One cucumber
• One melon
• One banana
• One jalapeño
• One apple 
• One pear
• One squash
• A pack of Bali Shag tobacco, because marijuana isn't totally legal in New York. 

It's actually really easy to turn a fruit—any fruit—into a functioning pipe. Depending on the size of what you're working with, you can skewer the produce diagonally with a pencil or pen to create a hole that functions as both a chamber and mouthpiece with a passageway in the middle. This is science, guys. 

Prep: Making a banana into a functioning pipe is no easy task. Once peeled, even the unripest banana will turn to goo in your hands as you try futilely to skewer the little f*cker. Plus, bananas are so delicious—they entice you with their sugary goodness. 

Effectiveness: Honestly, there was zero pull to the banana. I couldn't get even the tiniest hit. The banana ranks last—see you in hell, yellow tree-demon. 

Prep: Such a massive and multifaceted fruit (yep, it's a fruit) requires a heavy amount of work before it can be smoked out of. The cutting, the gutting, the coming to terms with its phallic shape.

Effectiveness: As the above photo proves, you can indeed smoke out of a cucumber. However, every pull left a wet and distinctly cucumber-tasting residue on the lips. Although that could seem pleasant, it was anything but.

Prep: Like the apple, all you need to do to make a functioning pipe out of the pear is impale the delicious fruit with a pen. However, the thickness of the insides make it extremely hard to do without tasteful grunting. 

Effectiveness: Smooth and tasty, but there's still that thickness that all smokers dislike when inhaling. We want our crisp smoke and we want it now!

Prep: Admittedly, the squash was harder to skewer than the pear—however, the payoff still places the squash higher than sad ol' Mr. Pear. Or maybe Mrs. Pear? It's hard to find a pear's reproductive organs. 

Effectiveness: The squash not only works like a charm, but it feels extremely natural to smoke out of—or, at least, as natural as you can get with your lips wrapped around a fruit. Yep, also a fruit!

Prep: Pull the stem off, bite the other side, boom. You've got yourself a one-hitter. This was by far the easiest to reappropriate. 

Effectiveness: Easy to hold, easy to smoke, and you even get some heat on the lips from the seeds. I highly recommend smoking out of a spicy green pepper. 

Prep: This particular melon was incredibly easy to turn into a fully-functional pipe. It held up damn well under the power of a piercing pencil—it's that circular shape that gives it strength. The Illuminati really messed up by choosing the triangle as their thing over the melon. 

Effectiveness: I was completely taken aback by the amount of smoke I could get from this melon pipe. It's conducive to those huge hits that make you want to lean back in your chair and listen to the entire anthology of Phish—just kidding, that would take literally decades.  

Prep: Don't mess with the best, people. The apple has been used by smokers for decades for a reason; the concave top safely holds your bud while the side can take a beating from a pen.

Effectiveness: The apple pipe takes mere minutes to make and works like a gem. The apple gives you a huge hit akin to those gaudy glass dragon pipes you see in head shops, but costs like 89 cents. Plus, you can eat them after. Just kidding—please don't eat an apple after you smoke out if it...obviously.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has a lot of confusing tastes in his mouth right now.