I Created 10 Everclear Cocktails And I Think I'm Dead Now

Everclear is the Nicolas Cage of spirits—erratic and unpredictable, but oddly intriguing. Typically consumed by people who have no idea how to drink alcohol, Everclear leads to the type of legendary hangover that will ruin the following day, week, month, or year—if you drink it at your company's holiday party and are asked never to return. 

After treading some Internet water, I came across a few Everclear cocktails that actually seemed promising—mostly because they contain very little grain alcohol and a generous portion of non-alcoholic ingredients. So, I put my distaste for cocktails aside and made some drinks that (fingers crossed) wouldn't kill me. 

Feel free to try this at home?

Ingredients: One shot of Everclear, one bottle of grape Fanta, a heaping scoop of pink Kool-Aid
Tasting Notes: Not too bad, actually. It's how I assume "lean" tastes. Subtle, but detrimental to my health. Yeah, I could probably drink a lot of these and wake up in a New Jersey parking lot. 

Ingredients: Two shots of Amaretto, one shot of Everclear, cup of ginger ale, ice
Tasting Notes: This started curdling literally the moment I mixed in the Everclear. It was the consistency of flan. Don't make this at home. Throw it away and burn it. 

Ingredients: Half-ounce of silver tequila, half-ounce of Absolut vodka, half-ounce of gin, half-ounce of rum, one shot of Everclear, any sort of mixer
Tasting Notes: My god it BURNS. The tequila actually comes through very well. All the alcohol is delicately balanced like a juggler on a seesaw—COVERED IN BEES. 

Ingredients: One shot of Everclear, root beer, lemon juice
Tasting Notes: Oh yeah, that's good. This tastes like a Dark and Stormy, unlike the other toilet drinks I mixed, I'd sip this. The lemon adds a lot and the Everclear is overtaken by the root beer. Mouth happy. 

Ingredients: Orange soda, a generous dose of Everclear
Tasting Notes: I think orange soda is disgusting, but it's important to pay homage to Kenan & Kel, especially when such a delicious pun is at hand. My friend tried it and said it was okay.

Ingredients: Gatorade, half a cup of lime juice, one shot of Everclear
Tasting Notes: This is really good. Sort of like someone made a Sour Patch Kid run a mile and then rung the sweaty shirt over a glass. It's the sort of thing that'll cause major heartburn along with a killer hangover.

Ingredients: One shot of Everclear, one Chocolate Fudge Brownie Cold Stone Milk Shaker
Tasting Notes: This one didn't curdle, which is pretty nice. I don't know how I feel about the Cow Tipper. The chocolate hit the palate after the initial Everclear burn. Yeah, maybe I'll just buy more of these Cold Stone things.

Ingredients: One cup of Hawaiian punch, one shot of Everclear, Sour Patch Kid garnish
Tasting Notes:  I mean, having that little Sour Patch kid riding the rim was everything. This one is delicious and you can't even taste the Everclear—thus it would probably wreak havoc at a party. Is that something people say?

Well, look at this little thing! So busy! 

Ingredients: Everclear, Kool-Aid
Tasting Notes: I tried doing this once before with gin and the results were pretty horrifying. This one is no different. It tastes like the Kool-Aid guy broke through a brick wall and stomped all over my brain. OH YEAAAAH. 

Ingredients: Everclear, Fireball, FIRE
Tasting Notes: Heat. Fire. Brimstone. Hotter than Everclear's 2000 SMASH hit, AM Radio.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and often gets mistaken as Norm from Cheers.