In the past, reeking of whiskey spelled trouble, labeling you as a drunk and a scoundrel instead of the sophisticated gentleman that you clearly are. Fortunately, whiskey is more popular than ever and the smell brings joy to every nose it enters. So naturally it's the perfect candidate to replace all those awful colognes you used in high school

Using a few resources around the office and a lot of alcohol, we decided it was time to whip up a bunch of DIY colognes to properly reflect the nation's ever-expanding classiness. Best part? You can do it too: all you need is fortitude, some booze, and an industrial-sized bucket of military-grade elbow grease. 

Here's what you'll need:

1) Grain alcohol 
2) Whiskey
3) Vermouth
4) Gin
5) Bitters
6) Five spray bottles
7) A cigar
8) Grapeseed oil

9) Olive juice

 

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Whiskey Cologne

The formula for a fine whiskey scent calls for two ingredients: grain alcohol and (shocker) whiskey.

I used Jim Beam's 100 proof Bonded Kentucky Rye, because of its high alcohol content and tantalizing scent. The ratio calls for two-thirds parts grain alcohol to one-third parts whiskey.

The grain alcohol acts as a base of the cologne, while the whiskey supplies the scent. So easy, a dumb little baby could do it. 

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Manhattan Nights

The key to a successful Manhattan-based cologne is liberalism and unabashed sexiness. Use the same amount of whiskey + grain alcohol you used for the whiskey cologne, and then add three drops of vermouth and one drop of orange bitters.

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It's like a miniature cocktail that goes on your face and chest. 

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Bottled James Bond

If you want to smell like Sean Connery on a Tuesday, go for a martini cologne. Everclear, gin, vermouth, and a drop of olive juice will make this happen. You'll notice this smells vaguely like your grandpa on Christmas—but, hey, the holidays are hard. 

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Wacky Tobacky 

For a robust cigar cologne, take some tobacco from your cigar of choice and put it into a mason jar. Then, add a little bit of grapeseed oil. It's a nice neutral oil that will carry that sweet tobacco aroma. 

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Add a few drops of the cigar oil into your spray bottle full of grain alcohol. Only a few drops should do the trick and you'll be on your way to flavor country—not unlike the same flavor country that killed all those nice Marlboro men. 

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Eau De Old Man©

To make the perfect old man smell, add some whiskey to your cigar + grain alcohol bottle and you'll have a scent reminiscent of times past when people had to walk uphill both ways to eat at a segregated diner. 

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It's amazing what you can do with your alcohol when you're not busy sticking it down your talk-hole. Ingenuity and restraint, right?

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Feel free to taste-test all of your brand new smells after, as they're 100% edible—but you should probably make sure you have a DD beforehand. 


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and smells like anxiety and soap. 

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