We've all been in this situation before—you lock down a keg for your rockin' Box social, but the moment you go to unleash that beast, you've found the bastards at the liquor store have forgotten the tap! It's a bad spot to be in, almost as bad as having the tap and not knowing how to work it. In either situation, a little DIY insight and some elbow grease is your best friend.
Here's what you'll need:
1) A pair of needle-nose pliers
2) A flathead screwdriver
3) An adjustable wrench
4) A keg
Bring your keg outside because—no matter what—you're going to lose some precious beer and you don't want it to be all over the floor.
Before you remove the "spear" (the keg's central column that dispenses the beer), you need to relieve the pressure so you don't get hurt. It's best to turn the keg sideways to do so, but for the sake of an awesome photo op, this step was done vertically to ensure the utmost disaster.
Jam your screwdriver in the ball pressure valve on top of the "spear" in the keg and press it in. This allows the gas to escape, along with your warm bubbly cargo. Pro-tip: wear waterproof shoes and don't do this during winter.
Beer and gas will escape the keg at an alarming rate—when the spraying ceases, you're good to go.
It's really sad to see this stuff go to waste.
It totally looked like I was crying about it, but I was just thinking about the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven.
Once the keg's depressurized, you need to remove the retaining ring from the top of the spear. Find one of the two notches from the top of the spear, pry the ring up with a screwdriver and remove it with your pliers.
Once the ring's removed, you're only one step away from sweet, sweet alcohol.
Use your wrench to rotate the spear clockwise, after which it'll come out when you pull up. Now your vessel of beer is free for the world to consume.
Have a good friend or Tinder date pick up the keg and pour you a cup. Make sure to high-five your crony after.
At this point, you can impress your chums by drinking your ice-cold brew doggy-dog. I drank two at once—everybody told me I was "the man" and "so awesome" and "not at all depressing to be around."