I Spent A Night Exercising My D*ck...For Science

Boy, what an evening.

Alright, people, let's talk about d*cks for a second. It's an uncomfortable topic, but an important one when you're hopelessly flopping around on top of your loved one—relentlessly pushing rope. Kegels are exercises known for helping women achieve a desired "strength" in their nether-regions and the very same exercises exist for men. It's called the Private Gym and, in layman's terms, they're dumbbells for your dong.  

Developed by America's leading urologists, physiotherapists, and sexual health educators, this FDA-approved system puts men on an eight-week course that has them literally lift weights with their penises to achieve the maximum amount of strength.

Once ordered, you receive an orange weight that easily slips onto your member, an attachment weight, and a DVD. You're supposed to work up to the extra weights over the course of two months. I did not. I spent one Tuesday. Here are my results. 

In an interview with the doctors behind Private Gym, had I done the program, I was told I would have to regularly clench myself as if I were stopping myself from urinating or defecating. You know, the same kind of clench you did as a kid when you were trying to make your penis look like it's possessed by Satan. Wait, you didn't do this too? Moving on. 

So by forgoing the four weeks of pre-weight training, I was metaphorically going from lifting two-pound weights to bench-pressing Mike Tyson. One needs to be in an erect state for this thing to stay on and I'll tell you what, it's not easy to think sexy thoughts alone in your room with your pants around your ankles and David Bowie blasting in the background to mask any accidental moans or grunts.  

Penis aficionado, Dr. Siegel, goes on to say that "...by strengthening these particular muscles, we can expect improved urinary control and harder, firmer erections." I understood what I was doing with the idea that the pelvic floor is like any other muscle in the body...it needs constant attention and exercise if it's to grow. It made more sense once I got into the swing of things. 

Lifting five (yes, five) ounces of weight with nothing but the power of ol' Mr. Spurt Reynolds is not an easy task. The sound of the orange weight slipping off and hitting the ground even cut through David Bowie's 1983 hit, "China Girl."

It's pretty wild. A reported 76 percent of the guys who've done this before have experienced stronger erections, increased sexual stamina, and more intense orgasms. I quit after only, like, 30 minutes, but it felt like I had just spent the night in an 1890s London brothel. "Anuvva round, guv'nor? Throw it in, then!"

All jokes aside, Private Gym implements some pretty damn serious science and is built upon the findings of Dr. Arnold Kegel—the guy who invented Kegels.

"There is a very significant decline in function of every single muscle group as you age," says Dr. Siegel. "Of course, there are exceptions: 80-year-old guys who can function very well and 30-year-olds who can't. There is a distinct trend as you age and our goal is to try to basically change that—nip this in the bud before it becomes an issue."

And nip it they do—right square in the bud. If I ever grow the attention span or ability to commit to anything for more than an hour, I'm hitting up this Private Gym. It's cheap, easy, and you don't have to do it around other sweaty dudes...unless you want to. Wink.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and will always appreciate Ali Drucker for introducing the phrase "Spurt Reynolds" into his life.