Okay, so here’s the scoop: a few days ago, I uncovered a sex toy that has redefined the art of the ménage à un. The Autoblow 2 is an automatic BJ machine with an electric motor that can stroke the “member” for up to 1,000 hours. It was developed by an ex-pat living in China and it’s currently killing it on IndieGogo. The inventor of this Franken-gina boasts: “the days of doing it yourself are finally over.” Naturally, I had to see if the hype was worth it. So I got myself a sex robot. These are my findings.
After an initial awkward email exchange, in which the Autoblow’s father asked me to specify my “size," I was told to expect a large package containing the machine and an insert sleeve. The days of waiting felt like weeks as I imagined the type of sensations I was soon to experience. I had to wonder if it was going to change my outlook on masturbation and forever ruin sex with actual humans. With that state of mind, I decided to forego all forms of stimulation just like that episode of Seinfeld.
First off, this thing is a lot bigger than you think. Roughly the size of a 2-liter bottle of soda, with an exterior resembling R2-D2 and a silicon mouth that sports an unsettling wry grin. I reached inside the exoskeleton and felt, what appeared to be, three rings covered in beads. Sort of like the beads you’d use to make bracelets at camp.
Honestly, this sounds like a giant sex toy. I guess the closest thing I'd compare it to would be windshield wipers. With the sheer power it generated, I have to admit I was slightly fearful that my d*ck was going to get ripped off and the blood would cause an electric shock. It wasn’t the pain I was afraid of, but rather what it would say in my obituary in the newspaper. “Jeremy Glass: 27, died when his penis was eaten by a robot.”
The insert looks and feels like your standard-issue pencil-stroker. It was, perhaps, a little bit thinner than usual and the little mouth on the front smiles at you like the Mona Lisa. Obviously I moved it around and made it talk. I think the funniest thing I made it say was: “You had me at hello.”
It’s hard to explain the feeling as anything but weird. Very nice, but also vaguely familiar. For the most part, yes, it feels like you’re getting a BJ. But the mechanical sound and consistent motion takes you out of it. Not to say it doesn’t feel pleasant. It'll never replace the touch of a human being — but revealing your vinegar stroke face without any judging eyes gives a nice added element of privacy. So, yeah, that was the time I f*cked a robot.