William — Indiana
Despite being from Indiana, William had the thickest southern accent I'd ever heard. Do people from Indiana generally have accents like that? (My editor, whose mom's side of the family is all Hoosiers, says it varies by region. In other words: he knows nothing.) It was as if someone had genetically spliced Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson together and wrapped the demon spawn in a confederate flag. He also may or may not have been born in the nineteenth century.
Jeremy Glass: Hi, William. I got your number through the Internet and wanted to ask you about the film Weekend at Bernie's.
JG: Alright. So, are you familiar with the film? Basically this man dies and two guys have to keep up the appearance that he's alive.
W: "Yes, we have room."
JG: Oh, ok. No, I'm asking about the film Weekend at Bernie's from a mortician's point of view.
W: "For the weekend? We'd have to embalm."
JG: No, I'm sorry, I'm talking about the film Weekend at Bernie's. Basically I'm asking what happens to a body after a person dies.
W: "Right, well, rigamortis sets in six to eight hours after the person passes and you'd want to embalm them as soon as possible."
JG: Uh-huh. And what happens if you don't?
W: "Well, you'd need to."
JG: And if you don't over, say, a two-day period? A weekend?
W: "Well, if you don't—let's just say you wouldn't want an open casket after the third day. The body would decay."
JG: So, if my boss died, I couldn't just prop him up and throw on dark sunglasses? He'd decay?
W: "I really have a lot of work today, do you have what you need?"
[WILLIAM HANGS UP]