21 Larry David Quotes To Start Your Week

Perhaps no other comedian in the last 25 years has better encapsulated 21st century angst, neurosis, and disdain for strangers (and friends and family) than Larry David. Co-creator of Seinfeld, David famously penned some of the show's most famous episodes (62 total) and for the last 15 years has starred in, written, and been the executive producer of Curb Your Enthusiasm's eight seasons, a critically acclaimed, semi-fictional depiction of David's post-Seinfeld life in Los Angeles. 

David has solidified himself as a comedic titan, one of the best television writers in history who's inspired countless writers, comedians, and contest winners everywhere. Here, then, are 21 quotes from LD, both on and off screen, that sum up our favorite curmudgeon from Sheepshead Bay, New York.  

They're prettttty, prettttttty good.


1. "Lesbians love me. I'm a friend O'lesbian."

2. "To be perfectly honest, I don't really think about [Seinfeld], but if someone says something to me, it's nice to hear. I guess it's hard to imagine that it could have that effect on people, but I suppose it does. Because it doesn't necessarily make me so happy, you know what I mean? So I'm wondering how it can make other people so happy, but I'll take their word for it."

3. "If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away."

4. "That's a remarkably idiotic thing that you just said, but you know, the fact that you're wearing glasses, I perceive it as a little less idiotic than I normally would."

5. "You want to check my penis?"

6. "Because if we go over to his house for dinner, then we're gonna have to invite him someplace and if we don't invite him then he's gonna be offended. Then the next time I go there there's gonna be tension, 'I invited you, why didn't you invite me?' You know what I mean? We don't wanna get into that game. I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it. That's the end of this dentist for all intents and purposes, I'm tellin' ya, it's already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody's gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world's gotta get together."

7. "Do you respect wood?"

8. "I've never had an orgasm I didn't regret."

9. "You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you...doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on."

10. "I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers, I have no problem with."

11. "Women love a self-confident bald man."

12. "Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish."

13. "Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad."

14. "Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape...about the college girls and the...the wild...the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me...about going wild."

15. "I have a tendency to nod to black people...It's a way of kind of making contact. You know, like 'I'm okay. I'm not one of the bad ones.'"

16. "I did present who I really was; a phony, a fraud, a prevaricator. I presented who I was."

17. "And in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole. "

18. "It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German. It just doesn't happen that often."

19. "A gay Jew in Nazi Germany? He must have had a hard time."

20. "You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes."

21. "Why do Christians take everything so personally with Christ, ya know? It's like not only do you have to worship him, you want everybody to. It's like, I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people? Do I say you must like lobster? 'Eat lobster, it's good, it's good!' It's not only where you live, you go to Africa, you travel all over the world, 'Eat lobster! Have some more lobster, it's good.'"