What do you give to a man who has everything?
Well everything, that is, being the $500 worth of Fleshlights in my closet. I lived every young man's dream last week when I willingly (and excitedly) banged almost every single celebrity Fleshlight in production. Stoya, Jenna Haze, Joanna Angel...my head is spinning.
To pay tribute to the wonderful women I was (sort of) inside, here are reviews of every celebrity Fleshlight I had sex with. Enjoy. I'm going to go take a nap. And a shower.
[Editor's Note: The links to the Fleshlights on the women's names are very NSFW. Use caution.]
Like an Airstream in the middle of the wilderness, the Joanna Fleshlight took me for a wild ride to paradise. Not too cozy, not too roomy, and akin to having the member cradled by an off-pink koala bear clutching to a tree. It's really a fantastic model, and, if she's game, I'd happily take it out to dinner...again.
There's something to say about having an accessible butt on hand. It's such a forbidden fruit—but, like, the fruit you'd rather not taste. Still, there's that very real element of excitement and danger. Anyway, 'twas a fine butt indeed. The correct level of plush, tightness, and the equivalent to "mouthfeel"—which I like to call "d**kfeel."
Is "fluffy" too convoluted of an adjective to use whilst describing a sex toy? That's what Teagan's Fleshlight is akin to—light and fluffy, like an appetizer of cocktail shrimp, or Teddy Ruxpin's feet. Whatever happened to that doll? Best childhood toy by far. A 10/10.
You know, guys, it's not easy stealthily hiding hundreds of dollars of sex toys from your co-workers and roommates.
Pro-tip: if you're planning on ordering more than five Fleshlights, I'd suggest doing it all in one bulk order. The glances I received from having box after sex-toy-shaped-box sitting by my door nearly threw me into a fit of embarrassment. Yes, even the guy who will have intercourse with sex toys and write about it publicly can experience shame and humiliation.
Robust, hearty, and loving—like a cup of warm jambalaya or a pint of Guinness. The Stoya model was one of my favorites for its natural feeling and borderline-alien-in-satisfying texture. It’s called the Destroya for a reason…and that reason, my friends, is that it destroys one’s desire to be with a human woman ever again. Well done, Stoya. I've had a good feeling about you ever since I saw you on James Deen.
Stoya's butt is a hidden gem with an inside texture that surprises and shocks—like popping open a can of Diet Coke and finding $100 bills and bees. It is—ah, how do I say this—sort of like the face hugger from Alien. There's a serious grip. Proceed with caution, dudes; you don't want little baby Fleshlights popping out of your stomach.
All Fleshlights feel pretty lifelike, let's be honest, but the realness of Jenna's Fleshlight sent me into a Vietnam-style flashback to the nether-regions of a girl I'd slept with in college. She was really pretty, but berated me (deservedly so) for falling asleep mid-coitus. Anyway, thanks for that Jenna.
If you're wondering how I kept myself consistently entertained using all these Fleshlights, one has to consider how humans respond to this sort of stimuli. I was using my brain in ways I never before considered possible, because you know how many ways there are to f**k a Fleshlight? Take the LaunchPAD for example. Also these guys sell shower mounts.
Another pro-tip: if you line them up on your desk in a row, it's like you're at a low-energy orgy.
The Bump-n-Grind feels like you're putting your member through an obstacle course that ends in ejaculation. Though, don't the best obstacle courses end with a hearty climax? Anyway, Misty's Fleshlight is wild—so many bumps, twists, ribs, and vortexes. It's like getting lost in a sexy hedge maze, never finding your way out, and being okay with that.
It's pretty jarring looking this thing right in the face—it's just so reminiscent of the real thing. The same goes for the inside as well...I had to continually remind myself that I wasn't having sex with a foot-long tiny woman in a can.
Lisa Ann is actually one of my favorite porn stars, so I was pretty pumped to receive the closest thing I could get to her actual lady-parts. Lisa Ann is a fine wine who has aged wonderfully and her Fleshlight—dare I say—looks older? Is that possible? They did a fantastic job of giving it that regality and wisdom that people over 25 have. It was like f**king the Library of Congress, but without needing a laminated card with your name on it to be allowed in.
Guys, it has been a hell of a great week. My closet is rife with Fleshlights and all of my free time has been filled up—pun totally intended. I highly suggest going on a sex toy bender. You learn a lot about yourself when you're staring at a ton of vaginas lined up next to your Chinese takeout.
The third pro-tip: If, for whatever reason, you want your Fleshlight to be devoid of personality, go for the gold Stamina Training Unit—because you can't feel bad about yourself when you've got a chunk of gold hanging off your pork sword.
Thanks for reading, people. I'm sorry.