Guys, it has been a hell of a great week. My closet is rife with Fleshlights and all of my free time has been filled up—pun totally intended. I highly suggest going on a sex toy bender. You learn a lot about yourself when you're staring at a ton of vaginas lined up next to your Chinese takeout.
The third pro-tip: If, for whatever reason, you want your Fleshlight to be devoid of personality, go for the gold Stamina Training Unit—because you can't feel bad about yourself when you've got a chunk of gold hanging off your pork sword.
Thanks for reading, people. I'm sorry.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and can't believe his girlfriend still loves him after all of this.