I Had Sex With 6 Freak Fleshlights...For Science

God, what a weird week.

Based off the success of my last Fleshlight article, in which people were actually interested in reading about a 27-year-old man having sex with nine Fleshlights, another pass had to happen. This time, with the company's famed Freaks! line. If you're too afraid to click these very NSFW links—fear not, expository writing exists for a reason.

Fleshlight's Freaks are not unlike their typical fake vaginas...except they've taken the regular product and infused it with horror movie tropes: zombies, vampires, cyborgs. It's like the 1932 horror classic, Freaks, except less: "One of us! One of us! Gooble Gobble!" and more "Ooh la la." Trust me, guys; this is sticking your d*ck in crazy with style.

Of all the Freak Fleshlights, it's bizarre to report that the Alien felt the most realistic out of all of them. There was the comforting snugness and healthy familiarity—of course, that all went to sh*t once I, ya know, looked down. The Alien is the most curiously unnatural shade of blue that only feels okay to f*ck because of the movie Avatar. Once again, James Cameron has contributed to my budding sexuality, re: Titanic

Drac is the equivalent of Bizarro Superman—just about there, but there's something...off. Like when you get tricked into eating veggie chicken or drinking Diet Pepsi. For the most part, it was similar to banging natural female genitalia—what do you call those things again? Anyway, the little bat-wings aren't so much a turn-off as they are a...new sensation? 

You know what's a bizarre feeling? Judging a book by its cover and, well, being correct. The Cyborg Fleshlight feels cold, calculating, and robotic—as if HAL 9000 has a rockin' vagina. This was strangely easy to get into—metaphorically—the body of this Fleshlight was as removed as I was and that was pretty nice. If the robot apocalypse comes, let us pray our cyborg overlords are well-equipped with genitals. 

Okay, I finally figured out why it's so bizarre having sex with these things—and bear with me here—it's because these are all men. Frankenstein, Dracula—all roles played by old, ugly, deceased men. Sure, this thing feels 100 percent normal when you close your eyes, but that doesn't mean the ghost of Bela Lugosi isn't hanging off your d*ck. Sorry—that's messed up. 

What a perfectly delicious pun. Besides the very obvious vampire teeth, this thing actually comes in a faux beer can, inciting two totally different levels of juxtaposed and confusing satisfaction. Naturally, this one is the winner and it looks the most similar to the real thing—hell, we all had flings with people who have pronounced canines. Think of it more like your ex-lover and less like Bela Lugosi. 

Why is a puppy stuck within an article about Freak Fleshlights? Well, sometimes an image is so graphic that it must be substituted with a puppy. This puppy is the exact opposite of the Zombie Fleshlight.

You know why? Because, your entire life, you're told to stay away from zombies—or really, anything that could make you sick and die. The Zombie stigma cannot be removed, people. Not after Night of the Living Dead, 28 Days Later, and Evil Dead. It's can't be done—even if it's hidden within the familiar facade of a vagina. This puppy, though.


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and can't believe his girlfriend hasn't murdered him yet.