Florida's Funky Buddha Brewery recently released 3,000 bottles of a porter that is basically every good thing you've ever craved for breakfast — or those celebrated breakfast-for-dinners at camp — in one bottle. The Maple Bacon Coffee Porter is exactly what it sounds like: a luxuriously creamy, malty, smokey, chocolatey, salty, sweet syrupy beer. It's like Christmas, Hanukkah, and your birthday all had a 6.4% ABV baby. All 3,000 750-milliliter bottles were immediately swiped up, leaving the rest of the nation high and literally dry. Naturally, we made a petition to get this nectar of the gods distributed nationally. Let's use the Internet for good for, like, the first time ever.