13 Party Essentials I Learned At Sir Ivan's Sex Dungeon

If you couldn't already tell by my apathetic demeanor, love of Taco Bell, and affinity for T-shirts, I'm not much of a "fancy" guy. So last weekend when I was invited to a party hosted by a millionaire whose claim to fame is owning a castle with a sex dungeon, I was, uh...a little wary. But I agreed (of course), and made it my mission to investigate every room of Sir Ivan's F*ck Island and report my findings.

After four booze-fueled hours, I came away with 13 life lessons/party essentials I learned from hanging out at a rich dude's sex dungeon mansion in the Hamptons. You know, things to remember the next time you're at a rich dude's sex dungeon mansion in the Hamptons. As always, you're welcome. 

Here it is: Sir Ivan's 15,000 square-foot medieval castle in Water Mill, New York. 

Upon reaching the compound, my executive editor and I were led into a parking lot by attendants (who couldn't have been older than 17) and a dark shuttle took us to the castle in question. It's been dubbed the "Playboy Mansion of the East Coast" and has hosted dozens of parties, many of which were probably super cool in 2002.

But there's more to Sir Ivan than meets the eye. From the outside, he looks like a muppet wrapped in leather, but Ivan Wilzig is a charitable guy who's given boatloads of money to sufferers of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and has also made a shockingly lucrative career performing techno remixes of old "peace" songs.

Nearly everyone told me that orgies were a typical scene at Sir Ivan's parties—which made sense after seeing scores of scantily-clad women who were paid to be there just straight chilling at every corner. 

Whatcha guys doing? Oh, you're busy. Okay.

Now, to my 13 pearls of wisdom...

13. Always Wear A Cape

In addition to being clad in a neon yellow cape, displaying a rhinestone peace sign on the back will cement your attitude towards "peace" for all your party-going friends to see. Sir Ivan clearly enjoys peace—but how would I have known that without his cape?

12. Put Your Sex Toys On Display

A little pride never hurt anybody—unless applied with force to the buttocks region. 

11. Keep Your Swords Locked Up

When throwing a party in which the invite list reaches hundreds of people, make sure to keep your swords locked up so wandering journalists don't get their grubby little hands all over them. 

10. Draw Your Crowd In

By showcasing a gigantic metallic pool floatie of a naked bat-woman with her bare breasts hanging out, you're sure to keep your guests entertained and rife with questions. 

9. Dress For Excess 

There's nothing like bright clothing to ensure a good time. By wearing the colors of the sun/the sun during a supernova, you're locked in for a vodka-fueled night of bliss. Try adding a little flair, like a cape or a snarky pin shaped like the 100 points emoji. 

8. Peacock By Literally Wearing a Peacock

Peacocking: the act of dressing oneself loudly for the sole purpose of displaying your personality in an ostentatious manor. This lovely young woman was schmoozing all night with Sir Ivan and his posse of wealthy weirdos cool dudes. Also it helps if you have 98 percent of your flesh exposed.

7. Fried Eggs Make For A Very Unsettling Party Snack

This guy was literally hired to fry eggs all night. Everyone smelled like an old diner by 11 p.m. Why would this be a thing? It makes no sense. Just say no to fried eggs at late night parties, people.

6. Make Sure To Properly Lock Your Sex Cage

Because, when it comes down to it, unmonitored and heavily intoxicated media members will find these cages and specifically ask to have their picture taken from inside said cage. A nice, simple padlock works just great—heck, they even have Bluetooth locks

5. Keep Your Sex Board Far Away From Your Luxury Car

Again, unsupervised people will feel inclined to ride on the board and there's no guarantee they won't hit your hot green sports car. Lol, hypothetical situations that definitely didn't happen are so fun to talk about. I think I hear my mom calling me; gtg. 

4. Know Where Your Eel Sauce Is At All Times 

Millionaires are no different from the rest of the population. They have nice, regular kitchens totally stocked with totally normal bottles of eel sauce. Totally chill and normal. 

3. Even Dungeons Have Rules

And it's when those rules are on display for the world to see that one starts to feel better about being trapped in a room full of whips, chains, swords, and cages. FYI, this document talks explicitly about the necessity of birthday orgasms. 

2. You Can't Go Wrong With Techno

Sir Ivan's breakout hit is a techno remix of the Beatles' 1969 song, "Here Comes The Sun." If there's one thing we can learn about this catchy tune, it's that all Beatles songs sound like absolute horse sh*t without an overwhelming club beat drowning out the melody and lyrics. Ugh, The Beatles, right? Vom. 

1. Keep A Spare Dude In Your Trunk To Throw Glow Sticks

If you're going to roll up in a tie-dye stretch limousine to your own party, make sure you bring a spare dude in your trunk to throw glow sticks as high into the air as possible.

Fact: A glow stick falling from the sky has as much impact as a stray neon bullet when contact is made with the human head. 

Rich people: they're just like us!

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has to go take another shower.