The Pheromone Cologne Smell Test

THE FACTS: Pheromones are naturally occurring chemicals, excreted from the body, that influence the behavior of those who come into contact with said chemicals. There are alarm pheromones, food trail chemicals, and sexy chemicals. YEAH, SCIENCE B*TCH!
THE PRODUCTS: We bought five different colognes that harness the best kinds of pheromones out there — sexy pheromones — and supposedly reproduce the effects of these naturally occurring chemicals into an easy-to-use attractant. 
THE LADIES: JackThreads' Carrie Dennis, Supercompressor's Molly McGlew, and Thrillist's Ali Drucker. Five different colognes were tested by a panel of nice ladies, who then gave us their honest opinion on how the scents made them feel.
THE RANK: Based on the reactions from the ladies, we ranked these from five to one. Five being the lowest and one causing pregnancy. These are the results.

5. Max Attraction Gold - $59.50
Directions: Apply two to four sprays to outer clothing and to the wrists' underside or neck area.
Ingredients: Siloxane, Ethanol, Fragrance Oil, Synthetic Pheromones. 
Thoughts: This smells like the bargain bin at Walgreens. The overly pungent Axe-vibes take us back to the days of high school when 16-year-olds doused themselves with the headache-inducing aerosol cans in the hopes of tricking freshmen girls into a hot date. Gross. 

Smells Like: 
"This is, like, classic men's section of a department store. Very Ralph Lauren. This wouldn't trick me into dating you." - Ali Drucker
"You smell like the nautical section of Macy's... but it's like your mom bought it for you." - Carrie Dennis
"You should be wearing boat shoes with this stuff." - Molly McGlew
Conclusion: Department store cologne might smell nice... but nice doesn't get you anywhere these days. If you want to smell like a man and not like season one Seth Cohen from The O.C., this isn't the way to go. 

4. Scent of Eros - $17.95
Directions: Apply lightly to inner wrists or behind the ears. 
Ingredients: Androstenone, androstenol and androstadienone.
Thoughts: After some research, it was uncovered that 'androstenol' is a sex pheromone in pigs and is found in large quantities in boar saliva. So, you know... there's that. 

Smells Like: 
"This doesn't affect my sexual desire." - Ali Drucker
"I don't like this one." - Carrie Dennis
"This smells like somebody's little brother." - Molly McGlew
Conclusion: Heck, maybe it was all the boar spit that threw them off? Maybe Scent of Eros is so potent that the panel of pretty ladies had their olfactory glands shut down because they were so steeped in arousal? Naw, it was probably the boar spit. 

3. The Edge - $9.95
Directions: Lightly apply to the wrists or behind the ears.
Ingredients: 0.13 mg pheromones
Thoughts: With a scent comparable to a sweaty man covered in Purell, the fact that this product seemed to use real human pheromones was compelling.

Smells Like:
"I almost smell hand sanitizer. Is that just you?" - Molly McGlew
"I can't pick this one out. It's an attractant? The ingredients say 'human pheromones' — who's the man?" - Carrie Dennis
"It's like you got an expensive haircut and then they gave you a styling product that you definitely don't own." - Ali Drucker
Conclusion: To play devil's advocate, when you meet a hot girl in the wild, you're not excreting Old Spice from your pores. It's believable that real human pheromones would smell very subtle.

2. Max Attract Hypnotic Sex Attractant Cologne - $22.68
Directions: Mist anywhere on body for max results. Should irritation occur, discontinue use. 
Ingredients: Alcohol Denat, Fragrant, Water, Benzopenone-3, Copulandrone, Copuline-alike, Reconstituted Andronone. 
Thoughts: This smell, complicated in its own right, honestly smells like a sweaty handsome man. Not Ryan Gosling handsome. Stephen Dorff handsome. 

Smells Like:
"I feel like this is a step away from a Fabio romance novel." - Ali Drucker
"It's subtle. More sensual. I'm more attracted to you now than with the other one." - Carrie Dennis
"It's a lot more organic... you smell like you work at Whole Foods."  - Molly McGlew
"This, to me, kind of evokes a massage parlor. Or a gift a man would get his girlfriend if he really wanted to give her an oily rubdown." - Ali Drucker
"This starts in a Whole Foods and ends in a handjob." - Molly McGlew
Conclusion: Subtly and manliness is the overarching storyline in this trashy novel. Could this cologne seduce a woman? Sure... probably if a trashy guy is looking for a trashy woman. 

1. Aware Unisex Confidence Enhancer - $31.75
Directions: Use two to five drops. Start with two drops and increase until finding the amount that works best for you. Place drops on your fingers and rub the solution either on the neck area, behind the ears, or wrists. Use of other fragrances will not affect its effectiveness.  
Ingredients: Siloxane, Perfumer's Ethanol, Synthetic Pheromones. 
Thoughts: This smells like pure gasoline. Anchorman references be damned — this literally smells like gasoline. 

Smells Like:
"Yup. Ten outta ten. Would bang." - Molly McGlew
"It's like... sandalwood and Abercrombie & Fitch." - Ali Drucker
"Wow." - Carrie Dennis
Conclusion: Once this stuff left the bottle, the gasoline smell was positively eradicated. It was subtle and didn't have any of the sweaty-guy scent that the other ones had. Plus, the positive vibes from the ladies, paired with a scent that doesn't smack one in the face and set up base camp in the nostrils, made this particular cologne a success.

Jeremy Glass gets paid to do this kind of stuff every day. If you want to tell him how you feel about that, follow him @CandyandPizza on Twitter and then let the rage envelope you.