What Your Smoking Device Says About You

In this crazy world, where tobacco — or any other extraneous herb — can be literally vaporized and inhaled through an electronic vessel, it's important to take a step back and reflect on the smoking devices that have been used in days past, and mercilessly judge give some insight on the types of people who smoke out of them. 

Corn Cob Pipes
Either you're a grizzled Midwestern farmer whose skin has been baked to the shade of a fine rotisserie chicken from years of tilling corn in the sun, OR you're a freelance graphic designer who lives in Brooklyn and looks like the dude from Bon Iver. There is no in-between.

Bongs
You love your bong and you're going to tell everyone about its origins. The journey for your bong was a long and arduous one — like when Harry Potter tried to find his wand. You've lovingly given your bong a name, and that took a long time since you couldn't decide between Bong Barker and George W. Kush.

Rollies
You're not about that fancy life. Heck, you don't need no stinkin' filters, flashy boxes, or pre-rolled cigarettes from Big Tobacco. You save money by buying quality loose tobacco from that little smoke shop in the dinky part of town and you only light up once you've found the perfect Fugazi song.

E-Cigs
You're not a real smoker, because real smokers smoke analog cigarettes. You're a social smoker and the social scenes you're into involve dark rooms and loud house music. Pro Tip: You may not think you're creeping anyone out when the only visible part of your presence is the blue glow of an e-cigarette — but you're wrong. Dead wrong.

Blunts
You're awesome, because you're the true definition of a social smoker. When you whip out at a blunt at a party, everyone knows what's going down. Fun fact: Snoop Dogg smokes 81 blunts a day — seriously

Roses In Glass Tubes
If you've never heard of these odd little gas station trinkets being used in a bad way, we suggest you type "rose glass tubes crack" into Google. But yeah, no one wants a sh*tty rose — they're crack pipes. Pros: You can sing along to The Moldy Peaches without irony. Cons: You're on crack. 

Hookahs
First-time hookah smokers are drunk college freshmen who think being an adult involves paying $40 for mango shisha at a dimly lit bar. Regular hookah users are smoking veterans who're more than happy to share. Pro Tip: The more hoses someone's got on a hookah, the more they're inclined to share. More Hose = More Bros. 

Glass Pipes
You've purposely chosen not to go the complicated and expensive route of vaporizers, e-cigs, and hookahs. You're a simple person with simple weeds and, damn it, you want your assorted herbs marijuana now. 

Apple Bongs
Oh man, high school was such a blast. So stoked for college. Soooooooo stoked. 

Spoons
LOL. But seriously, if you've ever used a spoon to heat up any sort of drug, you need help — because that drug was definitely heroin and you're probably a drug addict. Come on, people; get it together!

Vaporizers
You're a business smoker. You can afford the high price tag of a decent vape, because you've put enough money away from every paycheck in a high-interest savings account that you don't feel guilty about spending. When you work from home, a hit or two makes your presentation on next quarter's sales projections SO DOPE.


Jeremy Glass is a crystalline tropane alkaloid that is obtained from the leaves of the coca plant.