I Snorted Chocolate...For Science
Remember the old adage “Don’t mess with a good thing”? Well, something good has been messed with and I'm the one who messed with it. I snorted chocolate.
What started as a party gag by The Rolling Stones is now the craze that's sweeping the nation, one bump of cocoa at a time. You do it with a Chocolate Shooter, where one launches cocoa into the nasal cavity by way of a tiny catapult. What a time to be alive.
How to get it...
The Belgian trend made its way to my doorstep via a confectioner in Vancouver named “Watermelon.” Watermelon was the only person that didn’t assume I was high when I emailed her inquiring about this newfangled way to alienate people at parties. In Canada the kit will run you 100 some odd dollars, or if you are in the Vancouver area, Watermelon also sells hits of the stuff for a twoonie ( that’s 2 dollars for you non-Canadians) at her Commercial Drive Licorice Parlour.
Well first, let’s start with the set up. The packaging is beautiful, like an old timey book with what appears to be poorly Google-translated copy. Upon opening the lip gloss type tins is cocoa that suspiciously looks like the same stuff that dusts truffles. Along with the “snorting” device they modeled after Victorian Snuff Shooters.
Next, I adjusted the two spoons of the device to fit under my nostrils by the “hot or cold” method with my friend Justin—who documented the whole shebang—and was kind enough to let me use his apartment as my lab.
Now the moment of truth... I lifted the shooters, let go, and regretted everything from that point on.
What does it feel like? It hurts. It feels like how the cinnamon challenges tastes. The pain hit me instantly and I couldn’t stop coughing. You know the chocolate sludge at the bottom of your hot chocolate? That’s what dripped down the back of my throat. Know that overpowering scent of discontinued cologne and stale cigarette smoke that's baked into all taxi cabs? Yeah, that's what it was like.
Once the coughing stopped, the sneezing began, I ended up holding a Kleenex with what resembled goldfish turds. I looked in the mirror and my assumptions proved right, I looked just like the douche at the end of The Inbetweeners movie.
In a show of my true dedication to the experiment, and my complete disregard for my septum, I decided to try the cocoa using the more “traditional” methods of snorting powders. I had to look these things up on the internet because I do not use drugs (“drugs are bad m’kay!”), and decided to go with the most popular usages, keys and lines.
The key bump wasn't that bad. In fact, it was the only time I felt a very slight chocolatey buzz. Not completely unpleasant. No wallop of headaches or coughing. Not bad but still not something I could see myself doing again. Lines were a BIG mistake. That hurt more than the shooter. It hurt my head, nose and pride. I took a long hard look in the mirror after that one.
Is this the Next Big Thing?
It's pretty subtastic and I could do without it. I highly doubt snorting chocolate will take the food bastardization crown for 2015, from 2014s winner, bacon. Rest assured that the more traditional method of ingesting chocolate will not be turned obsolete by such insanity. It beats this hands down. Like I said from the get go, “don’t mess with a good thing”, and chocolate is a damn good thing.
Amy Seidman writes for FANGORIA and is working on her Bates Motel fan fiction called Masterbates Motel.