Oh my God.
No, this isn't the first time we've scoured the Internet looking for unsettling video content. It won't be our last. But guys, remember the carelessness of the late '80s/early '90s? When people could just make a phone line for whatever the hell they wanted without hesitation? Of course you do. But even if you don't, please carve out 10 minutes today and watch this madness below. Each one seems to be worse than the previous. Enjoy.
Actually first, three fun facts:
- AT&T confirmed that the Hulk Hogan line was the most lucrative from 1991-1993
- This used to be a thing
- You cannot call these numbers from your cell phone anymore. We tried.
This Tiny Kitchen Gadget Turns Radishes Into 'Super Mario' Mushrooms
1. So you call a number and try to impress a judge for 20 seconds in hopes of getting famous? At least there are awkward, white teenage girls rapping.
2. You're anxious to hear from me? I'm anxious that you all look like undead mannequins from Sears.
3. Okay, who the hell is Warrant and why should we care what happens behind tour bus doors? Is this or is this not a sex line?
4. A hotline where you can talk to Corey Haim and Corey Feldman? Watch the end part where Corey Haim tries to explain the service—he seems confused.
5. So the guy who wrote "Funky Cold Medina" had his own hotline where he'd talk about...his one hit song?
6. Dead eyes + unmistakable Maryland accent = winner.
7. A sexy hotline exclusively for people who like working out. No, this is not a joke.
8. N.W.A. had a hotline where they would tell you secrets about Compton. That's about as gangsta as it gets.
9. We're 99 percent sure that this particular psychic is a rent-a-bride from the USSR.
10. This Indiana Jones hotline had people call in and play a game where they have an adventure as Indy—which sounds very hard to masturbate to.
11. A hotline where people make you cry. No words. Just sobs.
12. Would I pay $1.49 to have Hulk Hogan call me "brother"? Yes, yes I would.
13. Here's an Ice Cube hotline. Just let that one rattle around your brain for a while.
14. Pay $2 a minute to eavesdrop on peoples' secrets? It's like Facebook before Facebook.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has to go take a very long, very hot shower now.