Lifestyle

The 25 Worst Things You Can Buy On Amazon: Volume 4

FACT: Amazon has over 200 million products on its website, divided into 35 different departments. Not all of these products qualify as "good."
FACT: The holidays are coming and nothing can stop them.

HYPOTHESIS: After three volumes (No. 1, No. 2, No. 3) of terrible Amazon products, are there still plenty left to go around? Unfortunately, yes.

Deep breath everyone. 

25.Bed Prism Spectacles - $7.57
Buying glasses that cement your laziness surrounding the very easy act of, um, sitting up is probably one of the worst things you can do by yourself in bed. Runner-ups include: eating fried chicken and watching Doctor Who. Seriously how has that show been on for 50 years? 

24. 100 Condoms - $15.99
I'm sorry, but isn't it a tad presumptuous to buy your condoms in bulk? Name 100 times you've had sex—yeah, thought so. 

23. Wine Away Red Wine Stain Remover - $8.99
Imagine being in a place in your life where you spill so much red wine on yourself that you need a spray specifically to fulfill the purpose of removing the stain. You can't, like, just wait for laundry day? "Honey, get me my red wine remover? Honey? Hun? Oh, right, I'm still single." 

22. ​This Is My Selfie Shirt Baby Bodysuit - $14.99
If this makes you laugh, you should probably reconsider your ability to raise a human being. Just give it a few months. 

21. Confederate Flag Knife Outdoor Survival Camping Hunting Biker Knife - $10.99
Things that will probably never rise again: the South. Although Texas has a pretty sweet state flag. Still, definitely not a good idea to carry around a hunting knife symbolizing, um, slavery. 

20. ​Not See COLA - $32.99
Puns are wonderful, but this is a little too much. Get it together, guys—still too soon. 

19. ​Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop - $8.99
Oh yes they did! Gotta hand it to the author for being imaginative enough to apply the ancient art (?) of Kama Sutra to sh*tting. Description is as follows: "The only known translation of an ancient manual instructing readers in the art of enlightened bathroom experience, the Kama Pootra offers a thrilling rediscovery of the tiled path to porcelain nirvana."

18. VisionQuest Organics Dream Herb Tea- $9.95
Oh man, this has "bad trip that leads to cannibalism" written all over it. Just one of many legal drugs you can get on Amazon. Pro-tip: stick to the illegal stuff. 

17. ​Bella Natural Herbal Breast Enlargement Cream - $17.99
At least they say on the page that this stuff hasn't been evaluated by the FDA—which isn't the best sign. Sure, they sign off on stuff like MSG, but generally the Food & Drug Administration know what they're talking about. 

16. Neck Slimmer - $4.16
Here's how the Neck Slimmer works: place it underneath you chin and nod up and down for two minutes a day. Add a heaping dose of boredom and tears and BOOM, no more neck fat. They have to be tears of sadness, though. 

15. Forced Gay By Aliens - $2.99
"Konner, a Sin City native who works night shifts as a host in a casino is in need of a break. Growing up in a town where sex sells, he is looking for something different than the ordinary Las Vegas stripper. He finally gets his wish when he is abducted and taken by aliens!" Just one of many literary gems from Amazon

14. Killer Condo SataNic Cage Muscle Unisex Tee - $26
This shirt teeters on the line between horrible and amazing, but kills it in the category of "Satanic Nic Cage Shirts." 

13. Uncaged: The Biography of Nicolas Cage  - $113.18
Two burning questions: 1. Why is it so easy to fall down a Nic Cage K-hole? 2. Why does this 1997 biography of Nicolas Cage cost $113? Why? What's going on? 

12. Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) - 5 lbs Bulk - $26.71
A little bit of MSG won't kill ya, a lot won't make you feel great, five pounds is a death sentence. Just say no—or rather—just say "maybe." 

11. ​Christmas Tie - $11.99
Just in case you were wondering how to make the worst impression on your girlfriend's family with the least amount of effort possible. 

10. ​Liquid Ass - $10.39
For those who are mesmerized by the ripe smell of butt, Liquid Ass is here to make your day. "Excellent for the office, the ex & the neighbor." What could an ex do that deserves a spray of Liquid Ass in the face? 

9. Black Mini Clip MP3 Player - $2.61
A big part of choosing items for these "worst on Amazon" lists is the idea of trust. Would you trust a non-Apple MP3 player? Now, would you trust any MP3 player that was under $5? Exactly. 

8. Solid Pewter Ferret Cufflinks - $39.99
There's nothing wrong with a little accessorizing—but there's something inherently unsettling about doing it with an animal on your wrist that constantly smells like sh*t. Plus, these things only live eight years. You're investing in a smelly, furry, chunk of sadness when you buy a ferret. 

7. Japanese Tattoo Sleeves  - $5.99
For those who love the edginess of tattoos, but hate the pain, the waiting, the money, and the title of "not being a p*ssy." 

6. ​Manhattan Structured Gangster Trilby Fedora Hat  - $7.86
Unless you're Jon Hamm—and you're not—you shouldn't wear a fedora. Furthermore, if you need to buy a fedora, it shouldn't be pinstriped, under $10, and from the Internet. One word, five letters, one apostrophe: "M'lady." 

5. ​Cool Story Babe T-Shirt - $7.99
You know what kind of dude wears this kind of a shirt? The kind who exclusively eats at T.G.I. Friday's and thinks Guy Fieri's hair is "pretty dope." Here's some advice from a guy to all guys: make your own damn sandwich. 

4. ​Cheese Meat Slices Knife Bread Keyboard - $24.95
Deli keyboard, why do you ruin me so?! Much like the Nic Cage shirt, this keyboard straddles the line between campy and incredible. Do you want to type out emails to loved ones using keys carrying the likeness of tomatoes and cheese? These are the questions you're going to have to ask yourself when you purchase the deli keyboard. 

3. ​Mens Money Suit - $106.64
For the man out there who wants a physical representation of his feelings towards currency—that he can wear. But, hey, $100 on a suit? You can't put a price tag on that kind of deal. 

2. Sarah Palin Knife - $8.99 
Try Sarah IMpalin' — am I right?!

1. ​Communist Shower Curtain - $59.99
The one tried-and-true way to make a houseguest feel uncomfortable is to offer them a shower in your Communist-themed bathroom. We understand flaunting your political affiliation, but doing so in a place where you're vulnerable and wet is just weird. WHY would anyone need a Communist shower curtain? Even if you don't have house guests, I doubt any political parties are passionate enough about their own beliefs to justify a $60 shower curtain. If you can say, with certainty, you're fine with seeing the hammer and sickle every morning, then buy this.


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and his favorite political party is "other."