The 25 Worst Things You Can Buy On Amazon: Volume 2
Editor's Note: Because we had such a blast the first time we found The 25 Worst Things You Can Buy on Amazon, we decided to make this a quarterly feature. Every three months we'll hand-deliver you a curated list of the craziest stuff for sale on Amazon. Strap on your seat-belts, kids. It's gonna get bumpy.
FACT: You can buy almost anything under the sun on Amazon.com.
FACT: 99% of those things are unquestionably evil.
HYPOTHESIS: If we do an even deeper dive than last time, we're going to find some seriously f**ked up stuff for sale.
WARNING: A bunch of these are NSFW. So read this article while your hotshot boss is at lunch.
25. Duck Dynasty "Four Faces" Microfiber Body Pillow - $24.17
The sheer volume of Duck Dynasty
crap merchandise out in the world is mind-blowing. Those bearded weirdos have their face on everything from slippers to tampons. The fact that it's a body pillow is just all kinds of depressing.
24.Hells Bridge Ball Stretcher - $171.28
God, you can actually feel the pain of this thing right in your manhood. No part of this could be fun.
22. Rebel Flag Print Microfiber Sheet Set - $25.95
What's worse than one Confederate flag? Dozens of Confederate flags draping your body as you sleep.
21. Cat Tail Butt Plug - $39.95
There's nothing wrong with stickin' stuff up your forbidden zone — but come on, Internet, do you really have to go ahead and ruin cats? "Soft, furry, luscious tail." Hands down worst use of the word "luscious" ever.
20. Yellow, Inflatable Advertising, Inflatable Guy - $269
Using one of these to sell cars = totally fine.
Using one of these for anything else = immeasurably bizarre.
19. Enema Simulator - $590
If you have to spend almost $600 perfecting the art of performing an enema, maybe you should stop putting yourself in situations where enemas are necessary.
18."Fallin' Up: My Story" - $19.54
So the least memorable guy from the least memorable band wrote a book about his life. And here's the kicker: you have to pay money to read it. What is this? Prison in hell?
17. Synthol Posing Oil - $85.99
"Synthol is a muscle site enhancement oil for professional use only." Hey, look at that! Legal steroids!
16. Pup Mitzvah Tallit and Matching Kippah for Your Jewish Dog - $49.95
Hmm... there's something massively offensive about this, but we can't quite put our finger on it. Also, this probably isn't Kosher — oh, plus your dog would never need to wear this.
14. ICP Hatchetman Juggalo Iced CZ Stud Earrings - $8.39
For the special someone in your life who happens to be down with the clown. Whoop Whoop!
13. Women's Booty Pop Enhancing Panties by Booty Pop - $6.45
Sometimes ladies stuff their bras. Whatever, it's not a big deal. But what are you supposed to say to a dude when you take off your panties and your ass falls off?
12. Glow In The Dark Condoms - $6.05
"Is that a miniature replica of a lightsaber in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"
11. Dog Treadmill - $535.95
For the people out there who are awful enough to keep a dog in a part of the country where walking outside isn't an option.
10. Loma Linda Fried Chik'N with Gravy - $55.04
First of all, if you're going to have meat from a can, make sure it's meat. This 100% vegetarian goop is made from vegetable protein, egg whites, and potato flakes. It looks like rubber and will probably make you sh*t your brains out.
9. Sheep Placenta - $8.99
Here's a list of things Sheep Placenta would have to cure in order to justify swallowing this stuff: every kind of cancer ever, aging, killer bees, that voice you have in the morning that lets people know they woke you up, gunshots, and beer poops.
8. Pabst Blue Ribbon Cowboy Hat - $14.89
Because when you want to show the world you've given up, you should do it with style.
7. Star Wars Collection Pet Costume - $23.91
This thing could've very easily made its way onto a "25 Best Things on Amazon" list — because there's a fine line between tacky and awesome. We've regretfully deemed this as tacky. It happened in vain.
6. Zimbabwe 100 Trillion Dollar Bank Note 2008 Uncirculated - $11.50
Just to clarify, it costs $11.50 for a pack of 15. And that's the story of how inflation killed the vibe of an entire nation. On the plus side, you've officially found a fun and unique solution to boring wallpaper.
5. Ed Hardy Billionaire Bronzer Tanning Lotion - $20
What happens when a hundred bros fall into an industrial-sized juicer? This. This is what happens.
4. Air Wick Freshmatic Cinnabon Air Freshener - $29.28
Cinnabon is incredible, but come on, it's the George Costanza of desserts. You really don't want to find yourself in an apartment that constantly reeks of a central Connecticut mall food court.
3. Infant Circumcision Trainer - $185.95
Oh, look at that! This little NOPE comes with five NOPE attachments. Guys, just let the hospital handle this part. Though, by not ordering this, you're missing a prime opportunity to ask your Amazon delivery guy if he usually gets tips for handing over packages.
2. Doggie Style (Beastiality Ebook) - $5.39
Maybe one word: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
1. Hitler Youth Knife - $28.25
Nope. Nope. Nope. On the bright side, it only takes $28 to alienate yourself from your friends, family, distant relatives, and most of the free world.