Editor's Note: Because we had such a blast the first time we found The 25 Worst Things You Can Buy on Amazon, we decided to make this a quarterly feature. Every three months we'll hand-deliver you a curated list of the craziest stuff for sale on Amazon. Strap on your seat-belts, kids. It's gonna get bumpy.
FACT: You can buy almost anything under the sun on Amazon.com. FACT: 99% of those things are unquestionably evil. HYPOTHESIS: If we do an even deeper dive than last time, we're going to find some seriously f**ked up stuff for sale.
WARNING: A bunch of these are NSFW. So read this article while your hotshot boss is at lunch.
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25.Duck Dynasty "Four Faces" Microfiber Body Pillow - $24.17 The sheer volume of Duck Dynasty crap merchandise out in the world is mind-blowing. Those bearded weirdos have their face on everything from slippers to tampons. The fact that it's a body pillow is just all kinds of depressing.
24.Hells Bridge Ball Stretcher - $171.28 God, you can actually feel the pain of this thing right in your manhood. No part of this could be fun.
23.USSR Communist Flag - $5.79 The Cold War has turned up some pretty crazy looking relics, but you probably don't want to get caught with the ol' red flag hanging above your bed.
21. Cat Tail Butt Plug - $39.95 There's nothing wrong with stickin' stuff up your forbidden zone — but come on, Internet, do you really have to go ahead and ruin cats? "Soft, furry, luscious tail." Hands down worst use of the word "luscious" ever.
19. Enema Simulator - $590 If you have to spend almost $600 perfecting the art of performing an enema, maybe you should stop putting yourself in situations where enemas are necessary.
18."Fallin' Up: My Story" - $19.54 So the least memorable guy from the least memorable band wrote a book about his life. And here's the kicker: you have to pay money to read it. What is this? Prison in hell?
12.Glow In The Dark Condoms - $6.05 "Is that a miniature replica of a lightsaber in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"
11.Dog Treadmill - $535.95 For the people out there who are awful enough to keep a dog in a part of the country where walking outside isn't an option.
10.Loma Linda Fried Chik'N with Gravy - $55.04 First of all, if you're going to have meat from a can, make sure it's meat. This 100% vegetarian goop is made from vegetable protein, egg whites, and potato flakes. It looks like rubber and will probably make you sh*t your brains out.
9.Sheep Placenta - $8.99 Here's a list of things Sheep Placenta would have to cure in order to justify swallowing this stuff: every kind of cancer ever, aging, killer bees, that voice you have in the morning that lets people know they woke you up, gunshots, and beer poops.
7. Star Wars Collection Pet Costume - $23.91 This thing could've very easily made its way onto a "25 Best Things on Amazon" list — because there's a fine line between tacky and awesome. We've regretfully deemed this as tacky. It happened in vain.
3.Infant Circumcision Trainer - $185.95 Oh, look at that! This little NOPE comes with five NOPE attachments. Guys, just let the hospital handle this part. Though, by not ordering this, you're missing a prime opportunity to ask your Amazon delivery guy if he usually gets tips for handing over packages.