Lifestyle

The 25 Worst Things You Can Buy On Amazon: Volume 3

FACT: You can buy anything you want on Amazon—socks, wallets—literally anything. 
FACT: 99.99999% of these things are riddled with sadness, confusion, and nausea. 

HYPOTHESIS: Is it possible to find 25 even more awful things than before? Yes.

Yes it is. 

25. Double Eagle Spring M22 Silenced Pistol FPS-300 Airsoft Gun - $10,000
At first you're all, "Oh cool, a sweet used bb gun!" Then it's like: "Oh cool, this costs $10,000 for some reason."

Why is this thing so expensive? Is it made out of some dinky black plastic-coated diamond? Did the pope cry on it? Has it been inside of a dinosaur? None of the above. The shipping and handling is pretty cheap, though. 

24. Man's Duct Tape Tie - $18.44
You would think it'd be hard to combine the angst-ridden fashion statements of teenage boys with the cheesiness of dad-fashion...but then there's this duct tape tie. 

23. '90s Case for iPhone 4 - $17.29
What's better than having an outdated iPhone? Obviously, it's putting it within an even more outdated flip phone case. Yes, it flips close. 

22. Boyfriend Pillow ® - $28.95
By far the creepiest way to quell your growing loneliness. The Boyfriend Pillow is also perfect for potential serial killers and people who collect tiny porcelain animals. Keep on keeping on, people. 

21.Animal Wall Decals Sitting Tiger - $24.99
Whoa, bro! Holy crap, I thought that was a real Bengal tiger hovering above your sofa! Oh, it's just a decal? So sick. High five. 

20.OCK Coffee Mug - $14.95
Obviously, we love the sentiment behind any sort of mug with a swear on it...but there's something specifically weird about putting your coffee inside any sort of c**k. It's an ice-breaker for sure, but also a conversation-killer. Really just an easy way to make a dinner party turn sour. 

19.Posterservice Keep Calm Bong Poster - $1.04
This is officially more bro-y than Dave Matthews shotgunning a Keystone Ice in the parking lot of a Dave Matthews show with Kid Rock. 

18. Testicular Exam Simulator - $98.95
Okay, theoretically, this makes sense. There are med students out there who don't have access to a handsome pair of testicles...but $98.50? You can't just call a friend over and get a little drunk? Guaranteed no guy is going to turn down a free testicular examination—unless our view on testicular examinations is just skewed. 

17. Fetus, 13 Weeks - $48.31
Look at that: a 13-week-old NOPE. 

16. Pheromone Body Mist Pomegranate Ginger - $11.99
Despite our extensive knowledge of how pheromone cologne improves a dude's aroma-game, we have to put in our two cents and say that the combination of pomegranate and ginger will most likely shield the effects of the pheromones. 

15. Embroidered Military Patch Swastika - $3.98
Believe it or not, still not the worst piece of swastika garb on Amazon. We recommend accenting your jackets with a far less...hmmm...genocide-prone historical organization. 

14. Soviet Russian Nation Flag Hard Carrying Case - $7.95
Because how else can you quickly and effectively showcase your leftist beliefs while simultaneously talking to your bestie about the benefits of a Marxist society?!

13. Rebel Confederate Flag Bikini- $27.99
Because how else can you quickly and effectively showcase your Confederate beliefs while simultaneously taking a dip at the beach?! The South probably won't rise again. 

12. Goats in Trees 2015 Wall Calendar - $19.99
Full disclosure: we would 100 percent put this in a "25 Best Things You Can Buy on Amazon" list. This kind of stuff straddles the line of bad and good much like these goats straddle the line between tree branches and the ground. 

11. Songs In the Key Of Beaver - $14.18
Well, we can file this under "things we wish we didn't know about Dave Coulier." 

10. Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle - $11.02 
Actual review: "Great gift for the person who has everything except a yodelling pickle." That's a shockingly good point. 

9.Camouflage Crocs - $34.95
Totally redundant. Everybody already knows that Crocs provide natural camouflage against females of all species. 

8. Now 51: That's What I Call Music - $11.88
Pro-tip: You guys should've quit 51 albums ago. 

7. Sutter Home Non-Alcoholic Wine Variety Pack - $89.99
"I love the taste of wine, but I just hate getting drunk."  - nobody. 

6. The Go Plate - $18.99
Never again will you have to utter the phrase: "Here, hold my beer so I can eat 10 sliders right now."

5. Southern Homewares Redneck Red Solo 2-Pack Wine Beer Party Cup - $19.99
Finally, you can combine the elegance of a wine glass with the accessibility of a solo cup. We have to assume this thing will melt if you fill it with anything but Everclear + Kool-Aid. 

4.Gallon of Bon Vital Swedish Massage Lotion - $42.06
How much eczema does one person need to have to justify owning a gallon of lotion? Though it's probably way easier than ordering all of this from a doctor and saying: "I need this for...reasons." 

3. Orange Camo Blanket Bib & Booties Boxed - $57.99
Set includes a camo baby blanket, camo baby bib, and matching newborn camo baby booties. What exactly are you hiding your baby from?

2. Black Light UV Flashlight Urine Detector - $14.97
If you're in a place where you need a UV light to find gallons and gallons of piss, you might want to consider a lifestyle change. Here's a thought: get rid of your pets and buy a bigger toilet. 

1. Doc Johnson Belladonna's Magic Hand - $18.50 
Wow. No words. Maybe seven words: "Oh god, that feels less than great." 


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and, at this point, is open to anything. Take that however you want. 

Ali Drucker is the editorial assistant for Supercompressor. Follow her on Twitter if you want an invite to her non-alcoholic wine, pickle-yodelling party.