There are some situations in life you absolutely have to drink through. A bad movie, a sluggish day at the office, a kid's birthday party. And sometimes, you're stuck at the aquarium, and fish are just really f*cking boring.
For those times and so many more, you're going to need a way to discreetly smuggle your sanity-giving, life-affirming booze. Thankfully, we've got you covered. Here, below are, ways to sneak in alcohol pretty much anywhere. You're welcome.
Sunscreen Flask The fact is, no one's going to raise an eyebrow to a bottle full of sunscreen at the beach and make the connection that it's brimming with whiskey. Of course, you'll have to be stealthy when it comes to actually squirting the stuff in your mouth. That's what she said.
During the Yankees game
Baseball Glove Flask Look, baseball games are fun, but a sneaky cup full of leathery vodka makes everything better. Tacky? Maybe. Worth trying? Sure. Bring a Glask to the next game, catch a buzz, catch a foul ball, and you won't even care that your team lost.
Flask Tie True, you'd have to be heavily intoxicated from the start to actually buy a tie this color, but when it's 2:00 p.m. and the day is hours away from being over, you're gonna need a way to get loaded in the office without having your boss give you the stink-eye. On the other hand, if your boss is a wino, you're good to go. "Wanna suck on my tie, bro?"
At The Ski Lodge
Lotion Flask After a long day of skiing or snowboarding, no one's going to think twice about a dude just trying to fight off wrinkles and re-hydrate his skin after the cruel burn of Old Man Winter's wind takes its toll on his face. You'll feel more relaxed, less achey, and maybe you'll even score yourself a hot ski bunny. No, ski woman.
Booze-filled Gummy Bears Kids shouldn't be filling up on too much sugar as it is, so when you inevitably deny little Jimmy or Johnny or Rudiger these vodka-soaked gummy bears, you can blame it on society's obsession with keeping America's precious youth off sugar. Diabetes is no joke—nor is a toddler's boring birthday party.
At The Aquarium
Soda Can Beer Sleeve Know what species wins the award for "most boring animal on Earth"? Fish. They don't talk, they can't do tricks, and they die after a day...at least all of ours did. By covering a can of ice-cold brew in a regular Coke label, you can make even the most inane aquatic display a total blast. Why can't fish survive in lakes of vodka? They'd be so much more interesting.
At Work (again)
The Hoodie Flask There's a hidden compartment for booze in the hood and the drawstrings are straws. God bless America.
At The Movies
Wine Purse When you're stuck watching Jennifer Aniston cry over Gerard Butler for 120 minutes, you're going to need a nice pick-me-up to get you through all those overly-passionate, kissing-under-a-bridge-at-sunset scenes and shopping montages. Spoiler: the love of your life was in front of you the entire time.
At A Rodeo Convention
Beer Holster There's a very small segment of the population with an unbridled passion for the esteemed art of rodeo and, every year, these people surround themselves with like-minded enthusiasts to properly pay tribute to a lost art that's been ravaged by monsters like PETA. When that day comes, you'll be packin' heat with this beer holster and show everyone who the alpha-Clydesdale is.
On A Plane
Booze Tubes At this point, it's hard to sneak anything past the TSA unless you're one of those jerks who has a Global Entry card. Aside from literally just bringing tiny nips of liquor in a Ziploc bag, these faux-tampons tubes are pretty much the only way to guarantee a TSA agent won't confiscate your hooch. You only need to memorize four words: "They're my girlfriend's, okay?"
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and has an ever-lasting dislike for fish.
Ali Drucker is the editorial assistant for Supercompressor. Fellow rodeo enthusiasts inquire within. Follow her on Twitter at @ali_drucker.