FACT: The 40 oz. is a hard-hitting, piss-yellow, oblong bottle of 5% ABV malt liquor that gets warm before you even hit the bottom of the glass. FACT: It embodies every aspect of American life: cheap pleasure without the hard work. HYPOTHESIS: The 40 is the most patriotic drink in America.
Remember that time you paid over $3 for a Colt 45? No? That's because it never happened! Even in the fanciest parts of the city where open-air markets and fair trade coffee houses line the streets like shrubs, you'll never find a 40 for more than a few Washingtons. If George Washington's greatest contribution to America wasn't providing a surefire way to acquire malt liquor, then he's no better than penny-era Abe Lincoln.
Like any red-blooded American, 40s are simultaneously socially unaware and completely disinterested in Europeans. American malt liquor brands are rarely — if ever — exported overseas to Europe, and the 40s that they do sell have laughably foreign names like Amsterdam Maximator. Funny story: 40s are banned in Florida — which is weird because there are, like, no laws down there.
THEY REEK OF INDEPENDENCE
40s aren’t for sharing, because 40-drinkers feel the only thing that should be shared at a party are dirty jokes and extraneous nudie pics from Tinder. The dude with a 40 is an autonomous unit of successful drunkenness. He doesn't need a six-pack or a keg or shots or shots with chasers. All the 40-drinker needs is a 40 — like how MacGyver only needs a rubber band and an eggshell to kick f*cking ass.
CELEBRITIES LOVE THEM
Along with the indisputably wonderful Billy Dee Williams, it seems like celebrities cannot get enough of the 40 oz. Wikipedia gave us an incomplete (yet totally beefy) list of celebs who've endorsed and/or sung about the malt liquor drink: 2Pac, E-40, Ice Cube, N.W.A, Cypress Hill, Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Wu Tang Clan, Warren G, Nate Dogg, Tha Dogg Pound, The Notorious B.I.G., and Eminem. Damn son.
I admit, with a sound state of mind, that I love the way 40s can taste. I also know that they're rough — believe me, I'd never dodge that kind of fact. But, you know what? It's the taste of victory. It's like discovering gold in California or that time the Allies defeated Hitler.
THEY'RE EQUAL OPPORTUNISTS
The 40 oz. is America at its finest. Affordable, attainable, and built for everyone. To hell with complicated flavors. Who cares about hints of smoke and wisps of vanilla? If you really want notes of cedar in your mouth, you can go outside and suck on a tree branch. Anyone, rich or poor, can enjoy a 40. Boom — that's how you end the class war.
The 40 oz. is the no-nonsense, straight-forward, balls-to-the-walls tall blonde beauty that promises what it delivers: a cheap way to get drunk. It's the SUV of beers... the Bruce Willis of intoxication. America's golden ticket. Next time you pass the refrigerated section of a grocery store, salute your 40. Unless of course you're a fascist commie big. Stand tall and drink hard, 40-lovers. This is the beer of winners.
Jeremy Glass is Supercompressor's Vice writer and doesn't usually get all riled up. But when he does, you can send him angry messages on Twitter.