I Spent a Week Doing Gas Station Drugs, These Are My Findings
Fact: Each and every gas station in America sells the same arsenal of exotic and, occasionally, life-threatening drugs. While most of them boast the ability to give you a Superman-style erection, others remain vague in their instructions, ingredients, and mortality rate.
Hypothesis: Taking all of these pills in a one-week period will turn you into an erection-wielding sexually affluent Superman.
10. Spanish Fly - $10.99
Ingredients: Spanish is a powerful irritant vesicant (blister-inducing) substance obtained from the blister beetle. It's not just a clever name. This is actually bug juice.
Instructions: "Use as many as ten drops with complete safety. Permits you to enjoy non-stop love-making with your favorite girl." I like your style Spanish Fly; you straight up tell your audience that you're marketed solely towards men.
Effects: While Spanish Fly is actually one of the world's oldest aphrodisiacs, the only sexy result was the super sexy heartburn that followed. I even took more than the recommended ten drops. Or, at least, I think I did with my large gulp.
Conclusion: Call me crazy, but this beetle juice does beetle sh*t. Worst bug ever.
9. Weekend Prince - $4.99
Ingredients: Ginkgo Biloba extract, Korean Ginseng extract, and gelatin.
Instructions: "Take one soft gel thirty minutes prior to sexual activity. If frequent erection occurs, drinking cold water can help. For best result, take it at weekend."
Effects: Okay, hold on. This drug gives you an erection, but stops working after drinking cold water? Who released this sh*t? The aliens from Signs? Ginko biloba has actually been noted as a possible treatment for Alzheimer's disease. It's brain food and acts as such. Totally head-clearing, but no erection in sight.
Conclusion: This kind of worked, but kind of didn't. Can you get too upset over a drug that acts as an IQ booster, yet leaves your penis flaccid and unusable? Yes. Yes you can.
8. Black Ant - $10.99
Ingredients: Sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra.
Instructions: A box riddled with Chinese characters leaves the user to rely on their own judgment. Each box contains four individually-wrapped cream-colored pills. I had to assume all four pills would make me die. So only one was swallowed.
Effects: Hey, you know that feeling when a little man with a jackhammer pounds on your heart as he eases your genitals out of their slumber with rapid-fire flashes of erotic images? Oh, you don't? You should try this.
Conclusion: Welp, the FDA isn't into it. "Consumers should stop using this product immediately and throw it away." This is probably the sort of drug you should only do once if you're in dire need. But seriously, throw it away after.
7. Stacker - $9.99
Ingredients: 225 milligrams of kola nut, cactus extract, white willow bark, and grapefruit extract. 250 milligrams of caffeine. 25 milligrams of tri-guarcina
Instructions: Without first consulting a pharmacist — or a mortician — I spent the week taking one Stacker every morning.
Effects: I knew going into this that these kinds of weight loss pills never work and, low and behold, remained unsurprised.
Conclusion: However, the heaping 250 milligrams of caffeine did make every single day a nightmarish jittery landscape. So there's that. I actually gained two pounds after a week on the pills, but I attribute that to my heavy diet of fried chicken.
6. Trio Power Zen - $15.00
Ingredients: Arginine, glutamin, maca tribulus terrestirs, lyco-pene damiana leaf, yohimbe, zinc, guarana, vitamin C, vitamin D3, vitamin B12, Korean ginseng, saw palmetto.
Instructions: "Do not exceed one capsule in a thirty-six hour period. Do not use if you have problems or high blood pressure or serious medical condition."
Effects: This is probably the only pill that put the legitimate fear of death into my heart. There was no increase in length, width, girth, or orgasm intensity... only a serious case of the shakes and cloudy vision.
Conclusion: Jesus, this stuff is the Dallas Buyers Club of erectile dysfunction. There's so much packed inside this little blue pill. Arginine is an amino acid that heals wounds and apparently benefits in the treatment of herpes simplex virus. And Yohimbe is an African aphrodisiac that's found in fun stuff like cologne. It got me a little hot and bothered, but I'm also a male in my twenties. Thanks for the near-death experience, guys.
5. Stree Overlord - $9.99
Ingredients: Sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra.
Instructions: Much like Black Ant, there were no English instructions to guide me — and four individually-wrapped orange pills led me to believe one pill would do the trick. Also, no one seems to know what a "stree overlord" actually is.
Effects: Haha... oh FDA. You're too much. "Consumers who have experienced any negative side effects should consult a health care professional as soon as possible." The effects were the same as Black Ant. An anxiety-fueled Superman-esque erection that could've popped through a wall like the Kool-Aid man. OH YEAH.
Conclusion: Black Ant and Stree Overlord should team up and release a combo pack that kills men with erectile issues. Just like that, you could end the ED problem in America.
4. Seifen's Kwang Tze Solution - $10.99
Ingredients: Garro wood, bezoar, clove, Korean ginseng, cinnamon.
Instructions: Incomprehensible, but this was "analyzed and registered in The Nationalists Government of China." Also, the guy on the front looks like Chairman Mao. What were his views on gas station penis drugs?
Effects: First of all, how adorable is this bottle? It looks like it was smuggled out of China in a panda's butt. Information on Seifen's Kwang Tze solution is insanely shady — as in, there is none. The shopkeeper who sold me this stuff told us it worked "super well."
Conclusion: Five times. It took five separate times to get this shot right, meaning I had five hits of this stuff on my tongue. While technically nothing happened, I'll never get the smell or taste out of my head. It was delicious... like hoisin sauce and garlic infused with cinnamon. Honestly, this would taste amazing slathered on pork. I mean, boner problems are boner problems — might as well have a good taste in your mouth as you're pushing rope, yeah?
3. Panax Red Ginseng Extract - $5.99
Ingredients: Panax ginseng is used to improve concentration and memory.
Instructions: One bottle may be taken daily. Shake well before using. Insert the straw completely to drink contents.
Effects: This was, easily, the most normal drug of the brood. It provided a hearty dose of energy with some mild improvement in brain function. Kind of like Red Bull spiked with Xanax.
Conclusion: It was kinda nice not feeling like I was about to have a stroke and crap my pants. It's those little things, ya know?
2. Rush - $9.99
Ingredients: Acetone, Isobutyl Nitrite.
Instructions: Poppers are never advertised as poppers. But that's what they are. A liquid inhalant that gives you a crazy head rush and insane increase in arousal when huffed. They're packaged as nail polish remover and video head cleaner. "Apply liberally on artificial nails." Yeah okay.
Effect: Well, it's pretty easy to see why these are so popular. They give you a punch of pleasure by sending blood to the brain and extremities and leave you feeling like you're floating on a cloud in glorious Boner Island. The sudden change in blood pressure causes a wicked headache and can apparently make you, uh, die if ingested. So that part's not so rad.
Conclusion: What a rush. I'm gonna grab a couple more bottles for, uh, further analysis.
1. Promescent - $19.95
Ingredients: 10 milligrams of Lidocaine — a powerful anesthetic.
Instructions: Apply three or more spray, not to exceed ten, to head and shaft of penis ten minutes before sexual intercourse.
Effects: Well, this stuff certainly works well.
Conclusion: It works very, very well.
Jeremy Glass is getting too old for this sh*t.