Ugh, The Jerk-Off Glove Exists

At this point, you've all undoubtedly been witness to the monstrosity that is The Handie, the world's first "all-in-one finishing tool for men." Surfacing on IndieGogo only a week ago, this Frankenstein-esque male masturbator is currently $65,000 short of its target goal, and we're canvassing for it to stay that way.

Here's why. 

A Flawed Ethos

The fundamental idea behind enjoying the Ménage à Un is the knowledge that you have complete control over every aspect of the experience: speed, grip, movement—it's literally all in your hands.

There are too many cooks in the kitchen with the Handie: a vibrating bullet, a self-lubricating well, textured "penetration control"'s the type of sensory overload that one would get from sex without the promise of human contact or a post-ejaculatory conversation about your favorite movies. 

When it comes to sex toys, you've got to go big, go home, and come back. The Handie straddles the line between professionalism and an eighth grader's weekend project. The idea is there, but the execution is...come on, just look at it!

A Total Lack of Style 

At this point, I've experimented with a ton of different sex toys at Supercompressor: The AutoBlow 2, Pulse, and—of course—all those Fleshlights incubating in my closet. For the most part, they all have one thing in common: style.

Sure, the Autoblow is a bit clunky and its permanent wry grin is the stuff nightmares are made of...but it works. Each aforementioned toy is sleek, unobtrusive, and pretty subtle. 

The Handie looks like the syphilitic hand of a 19th century street walker in London. How could anyone possibly retain any semblance of an erection with this thing attached to them? It's like the combined wet dream of David Lynch and David Cronenberg. 

I Wouldn't F*ck This

F*cking this thing would just be inherently wrong. All I see is a room full of start-up guys whose dads all have summer homes in the Hamptons. It's the amalgamation of too much time and money and I can't put my d*ck in that.

Sex toys are meant to aid, and they should do so in a natural way. They should coax you into a nostalgia-fueled climax, like the Autoblow achieves with its specifically familiar BJ-like motions. They should take you to different, unknown territories as the Pulse does with its penis-centric ergonomic shape. Hell, they should remind you of real my growing collection of Fleshlights do.

People, let's think of the Handie when we decide we want to be the Thomas Edison of male masturbators. Do you want to change the game with something new and exciting? Or are you cool with sliding your Jimmy into a 14-year-old's science project?

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and really can't believe he feels so strongly about this issue. Follow him on Twitter and he'll send you a check for $45.52: @CandyandPizza