12 Of The Most Expensive Sex Toys In The World

Ever wondered what Beyonce and Jay Z take into bed with them? Wanna get off like the 1 percent? Ready to spend the cost of a small home on a vibrator? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you likely need a new hobby.

You also need to check out these 12 diamond-studded, gold-plated, jewel-encrusted playthings that might just have you dipping into your 401k. But hopefully not. 

12. Glass Dildo with Whip

Price: $1,372
Because you really can't have one without the other, this blown-glass toy combines a 6.5-inch johnson and an 18-strand leather whip. The kangaroo hide handle bumps this creation just over the 1k range. Fifty shades of NOPE.

11. Women's Petting Ring

This ring is literally designed to give women proper hand-job positioning. You slip it on your index finger and thumb and the curved edge opens up space to improve grip. Where the hell was this freshman year of high school?

10. Vivid Raw Love Doll

Price: $1,444
For decency's sake, "Alana Rae" appears here fully clothed, after a thrilling day of activities with our Vice editor. The makers would like you to know she comes with "Large natural breasts with erect nipples," so you should probably lead with that when you take her home to meet mom.

9. Little Steel Tonight Eternity

Price: $2,000
Twenty-eight black diamonds and hand-written lyrics from Dave Stewart of the Eurhythmics make this vibrator a pricy gift for the lady in your life. Sweet dreams are definitely made of these.

8. Earl

Price: $2,590
From premium luxury brand Lelo, Earl is supposedly "the most distinguished gentleman's plug in the world." The underlying message here seems to be, if you're going to shove something up your ass, it better be 24 karat gold, come with cufflinks, and be named after a type of the British aristocracy. 

7. Luna Beads Luxe

If you've never seen Ben Wa balls before, then A) they don't usually look this nice, and B) go give it a quick Google. Once you're done, you can decide if it's worth it to spend roughly the cost of two MacBook Pros on solid gold sex beads. No judgment, though.

6. Little Platinum Eternity

The quietest vibrator anywhere is also one of the most expensive, made from platinum and encrusted with diamonds. Because diamonds, unlike orgasms, are forever.

5. Yva

If by now you're wondering, "What the hell is with all of these gold sex toys?" then here's a quick science lesson. Gold is a highly conductive material that heats up and cools down quickly, and retains temperature for an extended time period. And an ice cube doesn't have quite the same horsepower as this guy, which can run for up to seven hours before needing a charge.

4. Inez

Price: $15,000
For the price of a car, you too can own the vibrator that Jay Z and Beyonce supposedly purchased last year. A press rep for Lelo tells us, "We even engraved one for a well known Russian business man to say "я люблю тебя" which means "I love you" in Russian. We did this free of charge, though, as he is one of our top VIP customers." Solid gold AND terrific customer service? Where do we sign?

3. Victor Phantasm

The Victor isn't a means to an orgasm, it's a down payment on a house. This white gold vibrating investment property comes with a diamond engagement ring in the middle of the two components, which unscrew to give her the most NSFW proposal the world has ever seen.

2. JCobra Ring

Price: $65,988
The designers promise harder erections and stronger orgasms, but for $65k, this cock ring should probably clean your house, go to work for you, and bring about world peace, too.

1. The Royal Pearl

Price: One MILLION dollars
Australian jeweler Colin Burn put his many years of expertise to use and created the world's most expensive wang. Sapphires, pearls, platinum, and over 1,000 diamonds combine to make the gaudiest, and likely the least comfortable sex toy humanity has ever seen.

Society is doomed.

Ali Drucker is a staff writer for Supercompressor. She is amazed she was not called in to HR while researching this story. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.