From New England's famous Crazy Bruce to a wily Australian with good intentions, we've personally taken the time to comb through the dregs of the Internet's evil soul to find some of the most ridiculous local liquor store commercials of all time. Nine of them, actually, all related to liquor stores.
What's that phrase that people always say? Oh, right: These will make you lose faith in humanity.
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1. Moonshine Willy
First of all, of course this place is in Florida. Secondly, after careful examination of this commercial, we've deemed this guy's accent/outfit/general outlook on life to be 100 percent genuine. Oh, Florida, you're like the senile grandfather we never visit and the demonic adopted child we never wanted rolled into a penis-shaped bastard state.
2. Crazy Bruce
If you lived anywhere within the New England area during the early 2000s, you'll remember Crazy Bruce's Liquors. Crazy Bruce sang, danced, made weird sounds, and was legitimately mentally ill. On second thought, he might've just been a really upbeat alcoholic.
3. Big D's Liquor Store
Call us perfectionists, but we find this commercial a little hard to follow. The one point they truly nail down is their stance on public restrooms: they don't have any. Also, their entire selection of bottles looks like they were personally designed by Mr. Ed Hardy himself.
4. Foremost Liquors
I'm sorry, but why is a giant talking condom telling me to buy malt liquor? Shut up and do your real job, condom.
5. Gold Star Liquor
Let's talk about the storyline of this commercial. 1) There's this curly-haired, starry-eyed woman who looks like she was born in 2005 and she's surrounded by dudes. 2) Flashback to an empty room and she's trying to figure out how to make friends. 3) She goes to the liquor store and asks for a "cylindrical beer container." 4) The keg gets handed to her, the dudes high-five, and they all watch TV.
Why doesn't she know what a "keg" is called and, if that's the case, how did she know that a keg would attract men? Also, is she dating all these guys? Whose house is this? What's going on?
6. Guns + Booze = Profit
Of course they sell guns in this Wisconsin liquor store. Could such a business model exist anywhere in the world aside from the Midwest? Well maybe Florida.
7. GB Discount Liquors
No words. Just fiddle.
8. Chicago-Lake Liquors
Things you should include in your liquor store commercial: a mention of low prices. Things you probably shouldn't include: palpable racial tension. Get your head in the game, people!
9. "Shoot down to the local!"
This ad from an Australian liquor store is pretty unassuming up until the very end, in which a very Australian man pops into frame and yells: "Shoot down to the local!" It's the funniest thing you'll ever hear. Just try saying it out loud. Don't tell me what to do, Australian guy.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and guarantees he won't stop saying "shoot down to the local" until the day he dies.