The 6 Reactions You Get When Using A Black Card
In the not-too-distant past, I was awarded a credit card from a company called Magnises that specializes in outfitting young, cool, and significantly-attractive people with a heavy, metallic payment option that only comes in the most wealth-indicating of colors: black. As a writer in New York City, the idea of having enough money to own a black card seems like a jape with a capital J, but regardless, I have one and have been using it with the kind of insouciant pleasure that one gets from going on a shopping spree without consequences.
Naturally, the juxtapositional pairing of a fancy black card with a non-fancy guy in $11 sweatshirts has produced some pretty hilarious reactions. So, I thought, Why not catalogue some of my favorite responses from around town along with my responses to their responses? People, this is what happens when you use a black card in New York City.
(Also, I'm quite aware that my personal information is flagrantly showcased on the Internet. Feel free to steal my identity, I have about $20 in my checking account and I'm being stalked by that van full of plutonium-hungry dudes from Back to the Future.)
1. "Is this real?!"
Who: Bodega cashiers, street-meat vendors, friends, co-workers
My reaction: "No, it's a counterfeit credit card—I just decided to fabricate it out of an unbelievable metal to raise suspicion; because that's exactly the opposite of what a criminal mastermind would do."
2. "I don't think we can take this"
Who: Waiters, cashiers from nearly every fast-food chain, those who've been in the service industry for way too long
My reaction: "Oh, this is actually just a regular card. It's linked to my credit card and has the same magnetic strip on the back and will only get denied if I've gone over my credit line—which I probably already have. Also, do you take Amazon gift cards?"
3. "It's so heavy!"
Who: Everyone, but especially bartenders
My reaction: This is the only reaction in which my dark, douche-shaped side comes through. "Damn right it's heavy, it's made from uranium ore and diamond. Run that sucker through and put everyone's tab on it!" Then, if all goes well, I slide in a tastefully-executed wang joke.
4. "Can I hold it?"
Who: Cute cashiers, family members, close friends, dudes who've had one-too-many brew-dogs
My reaction: This is my favorite response, because I'll hand them the card, but purposely drop it before it gets into their palm. The ensuing sound sends shock-waves into their brain as the cacophonous ding-a-ling-a-ling of heavy metal hitting linoleum awes people into submission and spontaneous pregnancy. Guys too. Especially guys.
5. "Are you rich?"
Who: People who work at clothing stores (I assume it's because rich people love clothing)
My reaction: Stifled laughter, then a defeated sigh after they follow up with: "Is there another card we can use? This one got declined."
Who: Everyone who actually knows me
My reaction: "I got it for free! I'm a mere pawn, a sheep in wolf's clothing, just a regular guy!"
Black cards have the rare distinction of carrying two separate and opposite statements. If you look the part, your black card makes you look like a successful person who can actually afford the lifestyle. If you look like me—sallow, tired, anxious, mildly-balding, and cartoonish—you're going to get a plethora of eye-rolls and confused stares.
Again, please don't steal my information.