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The 6 Reactions You Get When Using A Black Card

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In the not-too-distant past, I was awarded a credit card from a company called Magnises that specializes in outfitting young, cool, and significantly-attractive people with a heavy, metallic payment option that only comes in the most wealth-indicating of colors: black. As a writer in New York City, the idea of having enough money to own a black card seems like a jape with a capital J, but regardless, I have one and have been using it with the kind of insouciant pleasure that one gets from going on a shopping spree without consequences.

Naturally, the juxtapositional pairing of a fancy black card with a non-fancy guy in $11 sweatshirts has produced some pretty hilarious reactions. So, I thought, Why not catalogue some of my favorite responses from around town along with my responses to their responses? People, this is what happens when you use a black card in New York City. 

(Also, I'm quite aware that my personal information is flagrantly showcased on the Internet. Feel free to steal my identity, I have about $20 in my checking account and I'm being stalked by that van full of plutonium-hungry dudes from Back to the Future.) 

1. "Is this real?!"

Who: Bodega cashiers, street-meat vendors, friends, co-workers
My reaction: "No, it's a counterfeit credit card—I just decided to fabricate it out of an unbelievable metal to raise suspicion; because that's exactly the opposite of what a criminal mastermind would do." 

2. "I don't think we can take this"

Who: Waiters, cashiers from nearly every fast-food chain, those who've been in the service industry for way too long
My reaction: "Oh, this is actually just a regular card. It's linked to my credit card and has the same magnetic strip on the back and will only get denied if I've gone over my credit line—which I probably already have. Also, do you take Amazon gift cards?" 

3. "It's so heavy!"

Who: Everyone, but especially bartenders
My reaction: This is the only reaction in which my dark, douche-shaped side comes through. "Damn right it's heavy, it's made from uranium ore and diamond. Run that sucker through and put everyone's tab on it!" Then, if all goes well, I slide in a tastefully-executed wang joke. 

4. "Can I hold it?"

Who: Cute cashiers, family members, close friends, dudes who've had one-too-many brew-dogs 
My reaction: This is my favorite response, because I'll hand them the card, but purposely drop it before it gets into their palm. The ensuing sound sends shock-waves into their brain as the cacophonous ding-a-ling-a-ling of heavy metal hitting linoleum awes people into submission and spontaneous pregnancy. Guys too. Especially guys. 

5. "Are you rich?" 

Who: People who work at clothing stores (I assume it's because rich people love clothing)
My reaction: Stifled laughter, then a defeated sigh after they follow up with: "Is there another card we can use? This one got declined." 

6. "Seriously?" 

Who: Everyone who actually knows me
My reaction: "I got it for free! I'm a mere pawn, a sheep in wolf's clothing, just a regular guy!" 


Conclusion 

Black cards have the rare distinction of carrying two separate and opposite statements. If you look the part, your black card makes you look like a successful person who can actually afford the lifestyle. If you look like me—sallow, tired, anxious, mildly-balding, and cartoonish—you're going to get a plethora of eye-rolls and confused stares.

Again, please don't steal my information.


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and the numbers in his bank account can often be confused with those of a thermometer.