10 Coffees You Need To Murder Monday Morning
To date, hundreds of thousands of Americans have succumbed to the lethal disease known as "The Mondays." It begins the moment your alarm goes off and doesn't leave the system until the impending Friday. The only thing that can quell this awful condition is a constant, concentrated dose of coffee. We love coffee; coffee is the best legal drug out there—well, it will be until that other drug we all love is fully legalized. We've mixed it with vodka, smoked caffeine, and even aged it in whiskey barrels, but the best way to consume this angelic substance is through the lips and from a (sometimes oversized) mug.
So, here are 10 highly-caffeinated and delicious coffees that you should drink—unless you're into being a boring, sleepy, constipated jerk-wad.
1. Death Wish Coffee
Billing itself as the world's strongest coffee, Death Wish has 200% more caffeine than the average cup—which equates to roughly 660mg per 12 ounce cup. So, yeah, that's roughly the amount of caffeine that caused Jessie Spano's famous freakout in Saved by the Bell. As we all know, she ended up getting over her addiction and moving to Vegas for the sole purpose of having sex with Kyle MacLachlan in a pool.
2. Coffee B*tch Slap
Just how strong is Coffee B*tch Slap? Amazon commenter and probably cunnilingus master, Herb Culver, reports: "The name on this coffee is funny, but the flavor is no joke." And it's no joke indeed, people—Coffee B*tch Slap is crafted with a blend of African and Latin American for that flavor that'll kick your brain right in the balls.
3. Costa Rica Campeon
Wisconsin's Colectivo Coffee went deep into the Dota Valley of Costa Rica to produce this ass-kicker known as Costa Rica Campeon. It's described as, quote, "a subtle fruitiness that is a result of harvesting only ripe coffee cherries" and is one of three reasons that a person should consider moving to Wisconsin. The others involve beer and cheese.
4. F**king Strong Coffee
This powerful blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica coffee has a dark, syrupy body with hints of cocoa, licorice, and "a potent dose of delicious caffeine-laden euphoria." How strong is this F**king Strong Coffee? Stronger than a grizzly bear with robot arms? Stronger than The Rock sitting on the shoulders of an elephant? Stronger than a diamond sword encased in concrete? Stronger than the unbreakable bond between a mother and her daughter? The last one. [More...]
5. Absinthe Flavored Ground Coffee
Here's a curveball in the coffee game: absinthe? Oh yeah, Absinthe Flavored Ground Coffee gives you a heaping dose of the little green fairy every morning—sans the psychedelic results, but the taste is described as floral, herbal, and exotic. You had us at "floral," then again at "exotic."
6. Kicking Horse Coffee
A mix of Indonesian and Central American roasts gives Kicking Horse Coffee its bold flavor. This blend, affectionately known as "Kick Ass," rates the highest on Kicking Horse's scale from Bold to Extreme Bold. Basically, this is like drinking Guy Fieri.
It's a widely-known truth that the entire Supercompressor headquarters functions on no less than an Olympic-sized swimming pool full of La Colombe coffee. Sourcing from countries like Haiti, Peru, Ethiopia, and Brazil, Lyon is perfect for those early-morning espresso shots and will ruin your taste buds (in a totally sexual way) when brewed with a French press.
8. Shock Coffee
The standard cup of coffee averages around 95 mg of caffeine—Shock Coffee hits us with 50% more, thus providing a jump to the brain when it's most needed. There's suspiciously little information on where their beans are sourced from, leading this reporter to believe it's laced with fair-trade bath salts.
9. Wake The F**k Up Uncensored Coffee
Keeping in our theme of coffee with explicit words in the title, Wake The F**k Up Coffee delivers an extra punch of caffeine for those mornings when you could literally write a symphony on how badly you don't want to get out of bed.
10. Kopi Luwak Bantai Civet Coffee
At this point, you've probably heard about the coffee that "comes out of monkeys' butts" and this is it. Kopi Luwak sources their beans from the Civet—a small mammal native to Asia—and picks the beans out from its poop after it eats it. The enzymes in the civet's stomachs break down the proteins of the beans, which results in a smooth, delicious, poop-free coffee. Coffee that starts and ends with poop—that's the flat circle McConaughey always talked about.