Lifestyle

The Worst Things You Can Buy On Amazon: Holiday Edition

After not one, not two, not even three, but four deep and terrifying dives into the bowels of the Amazon to bring you the very worst it has to offer, it seemed only fitting during the holiday season to gift you with one more. Behold: sexually confused reindeer, fruitcake-themed romance novels, erotic elf costumes, and a partridge in a pear tree. 

Let's do this.

20. Santa Restroom Door Cover - $5.88
Apparently it's better to give guests the impression that they're walking in on Santa taking a dump than to have an undecorated bathroom door.

19. Santaur Ornament - $29.95
Half man, half beast, fully disturbing. 

18. Christmas Tree Coil Spring Hat - $18.79
Maybe you wait until next Christmas to take her home to meet mom?

17. Santa Toilet Seat Cover and Rug Set - $10.99
This holiday season, Santa wants you to sit on his face.

16. The Fruitcake Bride - $0.99
Let's dive deeper into this gripping novel, The Fruitcake Bride: "Pastor Clayton Parsons waited a year to bring his fiancée, Karen Briggs, to his new church post. Karen helps the church ladies with various projects, including a bake sale. But revealing her fruitcake recipe could spell disaster for her future in Bakerstown, Missouri." Deep breath. 

15. Christmas Toilet Paper Smile - $12.95
It's unclear what's more alarming: the idea of wiping your ass with St. Nick, or the fact that he's urging you to "smile!!" as you do so.

14. Adult Tis The Season Light-Up Ugly Christmas Sweater - $44.00
Just in case you were wondering if there was a less subtle way of trying to be ironically funny but actually looking like a total idiot. 

13. Airport Menorah - $45.95
What's going on here? Why does this biblical Jewish family have its own airline? Do they let you check a bag for free?

12Tootin Tushies Farting Reindeer Ornament - $7.90
In case you were worried your holiday party might still have a shred of dignity, pop a farting reindeer ornament on that tree and rest easy knowing there's not an ounce of class left in the room. 

11. Santas Helper Costume - $14.00 
If this image is at all part of your sexual fantasies there's no amount of therapy in the world that can help you.

10.Now That's What I Call Christmas - $12.99
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.

9. Chuckboy Naughty Reindeer - $12.99
What went wrong in someone's life that he or she created BDSM reindeers for a living? Who buys these? Is there a God?

8. Clay Hanukkah Dreidel - $27.57
You can appreciate that it's hand-made in Israel, but generally I prefer my toys don't have the same wide-eyed, sh*t-eating grin as Chucky.

7. The Dog Squad Toast The New Year Tutu Dress - $25.52
It's cruel and unusual punishment to dress your dog up in the first place; it's even worse to do so with rhinestones and sequins. That mournful look over his shoulder is a cry for help.

6. Carponizer Erotischer Karpfenkalender 2015 - $18.95
Speaking of the New Year, what better way to usher in another spin around the sun than with 2015 calendar celebrating the erotic connection between women and carp? No? Oh. Okay then. [More...]

5. Christmas Paw Stocking - $4.55
Your pets don't know it's Christmas, and if they did, they wouldn't care whether or not their stocking was paw-shaped. If your fireplace is decorated with a bunch of these, chances are man's best friend is your only friend.

4. Rudolph Beer Can Coozie Koozie - $3.49
The only way to suck down a Bud is in Rudolph's hollowed out skull. It was the lobotomy that made his nose so red.

3. Poo-Pourri Poo-Dolph Gift Set - $21.95
Is it...reindeer poop scented? Is it for you, or your pet reindeer? Everything happening here is unclear. 

2. Men's Hairy Belly Poinsettia Ugly Christmas Sweater Printed Tee - $26.60
Why, WHY, in your t-shirt fantasy bod version of yourself, would you choose to have manboobs? Humanity is doomed.

1. Hanukkah Hat And Tallis Holiday Accessory For Dogs - $9.99
Where to start? First, there's no such thing as a Hanukah hat. It's a yarmulka, and you can wear one all year long. Second...you know what, just...just forget it.


Ali Drucker is a staff writer for Supercompressor. If you need her, she'll be drinking herself into a coma-like state from now until January 2nd. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.