13 Dating Apps, Ranked By Likelihood Of Sex
America is thirsty, and I'm not talking about sugar-free carbonated soft drinks. We live in a fluff-free era—people know what they want and aren't afraid to express their opinion in ALL CAPS, followed by a series of passive-aggressive emojis. Dating is the same—we've reached critical mass, and that critical mass is critical on getting their mass touched. Gross. Anyway, with the act of dating living solely on a mobile platform, the dating app reigns supreme.
But which apps reign most supreme? Good question. In hopes of answering your burning questions, here are 13 dating apps ranked (lovingly and subjectively) on how likely you are to end up takin' old one-eye to the optometrist. Hey, gotta quench that thirst somehow—what's that famous Mother Teresa quote? Oh yes: "Get it girl, get it get it get it, girl."
Hey, you've heard of Twine—right? Oh, no? It's a good idea in theory...in theory. A dating app that allows people to meet based on their intellectual capacities rather than their looks! Amazing! But, you know what happens when two smart people meet? They engage in hot, sweaty, intellectual conversations about Proust. Do you know where Marcel friggin' Proust is not situated? Between the sweaty, writhing bodies of two Proust fans.
Some people stick to their guns when they say they don't care about looks—and bless their hearts. Unfortunately, we're literally engineered to gravitate towards attractive individuals who smell like redwood trees and caramel. If a phone sex hotline and Tinder drank and had a baby, it would come out as Revealr. You can talk to a person, but can't see what they look like. Even if you have a great conversation with a person, you're not going to want to bone them if they look like Rex from Toy Story. The likelihood of getting out of your house and into a restaurant is high, but—face it—this isn't You've Got Mail. You're not going to find your Tom Hanks with this app.
Blendr is so, so close to getting it right—the one thing they didn't anticipate: charging money kills erections faster than, I dunno, bees? The sole review on the app's page summarizes it nicely: "You buy points to promote yourself, and to view/ message other ppl, and to see who liked you. Don't waste your money like I did. $15 down the drain."
10. Plenty of Fish
The transition from desktop to mobile for websites is a bit like the great change from silent films to talkies during the late 1920s. Some film stars made it and some didn't—take Buster Keaton, for example, he tried singing. Didn't work. Yada yada yada, now he's dead. Unfortunately, POF seems to be succumbing to the same fate. People want sex and they want it now—from the moment the app is downloaded to the moment of the actual date, the number of steps is, frankly, too high. You have to sign up, write a profile, sift through other profiles—the average millennial's attention span is about the size of the period at the end of this sentence.
Mixxxer takes the carefree sentiment of casual swiping and infuses it with the high-octane close-up shots of vulvas that you see on sites like LiveJasmin. It's a no-nonsense approach to dating apps with its "I'm here to f*ck" mentality," but when you see that most of the users may/may not (but definitely are) legit prostitutes, the fun is lost. Unless you like prostitutes—I mean, that's guaranteed sex right there. Are you into prostitutes? You can tell me, I'm not a cop*
*or am I?
Let's face it, after Tinder took off, the appeal of OkCupid started to wane—much like the flaccid penises who were getting ignored by the instant gratification swipe of Tinder. OkCupid became less of a hookup app and more of a—ew—relationship app. OkCupid is no longer for one-night stands, thus the chance of instant sex is rare. However, you will be getting LAID EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (of the first Monday of the month when it's convenient) when you're married. Up top, braaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
7. Hot or Not
Like Beanie Babies were supposed to do in the 21st century, Hot or Not made a legit comeback with its app. What's especially satisfying is the taboo-free interface that, frankly, allows you to get as taboo as you want. What's more sexy than finding sex on a sex-free app? Nothing. Except maybe the actual act of sex itself.
Let it be known that Luxy only ranks high in this list because hundred-dollar bills are a straight-up aphrodisiac in America. We support our prior statement that "Luxy is a dating app for giant rich douches," but we generally hope that everyone on Luxy loses all their money in a Ponzi scheme. How is Bernie Madoff these days? Are you running a Ponzi scheme? You can tell me, I'm not a cop*.
*or am I?
There's a palpable seed of evil within all of the aforementioned apps on this list— but HowAboutWe is different. It seems like they actually care about the users and, more specifically, the users' genitals. Now, they don't come out and say: "this app is for f*cking," but by giving date ideas right off the bat, a huge weight is lifted off the shoulders of those on said date. So, when the pressure of finding a date location is off, you can focus on more important things: like P in V.
In the spirit of love, harmony, and unbridled passion, 3nder brings people together for the sole purpose of participating in a threesome. I mean, you've got to know that people are down to clown if you match on 3nder—no one's on this app in hopes of finding a meaningful relationship with two dudes named Brad. This isn't Utah.
Grouper is reminiscent of that episode of The Simpsons where Mr. Burns is told that he has literally every disease in the world, but they've all balanced themselves out within his body and are keeping him alive. Grouper has taken every part of a bad date and stuck them together until a good date is formed: rich tech kids, strangers, bad wingmen, and micromanagement.
You're set up on a foursome with a friend and two anonymous people and are told to go into a restaurant until sparks fly. The thing about rich tech kids, though? They're horny and love drinking. So when four aroused like-minded individuals are in an enclosed environment under the guise of bragging about their startup until someone's pants come off...well, that leads to a new sexual move called "The Steve Hand Job."
Tinder is about as 21st century as it gets. It's literally shopping for people. Sickening, right? At first, yes—now people Tinder at work, in meetings, maybe during lunch, and DEFINITELY during Bar Mitzvahs. Tinder has become tricky in the sense that some people have caught on and realized there are decent human being on this app...however, if you swipe right on a Saturday at 2 a.m., you're not going to wake up alone—OR ALIVE. Just kidding, you probably won't get murdered.
When you have a successful business and a whittled-down user population, you're going to have one successful hookup app. Grindr actually predates Tinder by three years and absolutely nailed the dating game by simply giving people what they want: nearby folks who want to take the scenic route to the bone zone.