Lifestyle

11 Non-Sexual Ways To Spend An Afternoon With A $1,500 Sex Doll

Christmas come early?  

A few weeks ago, Vivid + California Exotic Novelties sent me a $1,500 sex doll and I knew my professional life had reached its climax—pun intended. And it's a giant! At 5'8", 22 pounds and hand-sculpted, this fully-customizable doll actually bears a striking resemblance to Iggy Azalea.

And with Christmas and Jewish-Christmas approaching, I decided to take the Kosher-approach to my new high-end bang-maid, and figure out some killer ways to spend a day together without even a hint of sexual activity.

Yep, just in time for the holidays: here are 11 ways to have G-rated fun with a $1,500 sex doll.

1. Brew coffee with a French press and discuss how plunging the grounds really releases the flavor.   

2. Sip the freshly-brewed cup of joe. Talk about who's going to pay the gas bill. Ask if she needs a refill of Q-tips 'cause you're going to the store later. Ask how she feels about moving to the suburbs someday.

3. Read. Preferably a book like Haruki Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart. Discuss his surrealist style, hard-boiled characters, and sprawling storyline. Turn her book's pages whenever you turn yours.

4. Surprise your $1,500 sex toy by playing her every single song from Smashmouth's vast catalogue of gems on a classical guitar. Assume her unrelenting silence as awe and admiration for your vocals. 

5. Decorate a Christmas tree and make sure to mention how you never had a tree growing up, because your parents are Jewish. Debate whether an angel or a star is better on top. Lose debate, place angel up top.   

6. Take time to watch that documentary about Burt's Bees on Netflix. Wonder to yourself if her feet are getting cold. They must be. Day-dream about moving to the suburbs. 

7. Argue about politics. Insist that your sex doll's views on the poor are completely insensitive and borderline fascist.

8. Inquire about that colorful flag hidden inside her hoodie. 

9. Say "Oh my God" out loud. See that the Burt's Bees documentary has restarted on the TV. Say "Oh my God" again out loud at this development. 

10. Realize that you are way in over your head with this thing. Pause Netflix. 

11. Contemplate death.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and does this sort of thing shockingly often.