Sexy Alarm - App Store - Free
What: An alarm clock app where a fictional girl spouts out pre-recorded lovey dialogue.
Who: The kind of guy who leaves comments on porn stars' Instagram accounts and thinks 3 Doors Down kicks friggin' ass.
Usability: With an interface akin to the type of pop-up you'd get by clicking on the wrong kind of link in America Online, Sexy Alarm sounds about as disjointed as it looks. You choose what time you want to wake up and pick one of four girls to deliver you a "personalized, sexy wake-up call." Below is an actual transcript of one of the the pre-recorded message you get:
"Good morning honey sweetie pie. Oh my god, it's, like, time to wake up even though you look so cute when you're asleep. Could you, like, open your eyes, hun? Then you can see me in my Hello Kitty booty shorts. LOL. I turned on the hot water for you. It's, like, totally steamy and you should get in there."
Conclusion: We've all been desperate, but let's hope we're never this desperate.
Take that, Valentine's Day.
Jeremy Glass is the abstract study of topics such as quantity, structure, space, and change.