The Weirdest Sex Toys on Amazon
Amazon.com is the Florida of the internet -- rife with smut, immorality, and gallons upon gallons of lube. We've all seen what lurks beneath the surface of this behemoth commerce website, but it's what's right under our noses that causes the most questions, namely: "Ew, JESUS CHRIST, why?!"
During our typical Friday afternoon deep-dive on the site, we (somewhat purposely) stumbled upon Amazon's sex-toy section and couldn't stop stumbling until our sick quest for knowledge ended. Procured from our perverted pilgrimage are 12 depraved items from Amazon that show the unfettered power of late-night anonymous transactions.
1. The severed head of pleasure
Of course, I totally understand one's interest in fellatio, but to pay more than a hundred dollars for an unaccompanied head with a suction-cup base that -- quite obviously -- can't do anything but sit there and give a thousand-yard stare? That's really messed up. I bet she doesn't even have eyelids. The good ones always do.
2. A handsome pleather Fleshlight holder
We love Fleshlights! Nothing wrong with having a little fun with fake, anatomically correct lady parts. But if you're going to go the distance and buy a holder for one, survey says you want more than just a Fleshlight. Heck, why not spring for the type of Fleshlight that can chat, vote, and read books? That Fleshlight holder is called a human lady. Look it up!
3. The 6in geisha glob
Hey, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a geisha fetish. On the other hand, putting your Jimmy into a beige glob that's roughly the size of half a Subway grinder is a little... iffy.
4. A spiny masturbation glove
Guys, our hands were made the way they were made for a reason. Isn't it enough of a privilege to be able to crank out a killer nut whenever we want? Why do you feel the need to add pleasure spikes to a perfectly capable part of your body? By the way, one size fits all? What about the legions of us who prefer to go righty?!
5. The gold-plated warming vibrator
6. A pair of disembodied feet with female genitalia
This particular product is no longer available, but we're leaving it up as a tribute to those out there who can't reach orgasm without being balls-deep in a pair of feet. You're worth it, too!
7. Sexy ghost?
What's the worst part of having sex with a human being who has thick skin? You can't look through them and at your own feet. I guess this solves that problem. This would make such a bad Bar Mitzvah present. Or birthday present. Or any present, really.
8. Glow In The Dark Ladies of the Night, F*ck Hole
That's what this thing is actually called: "Glow In The Dark Ladies of the Night, F*ck Hole." So, you can safely say this thing: a) glows in the dark and b) is totally fine to make sweet love to. It's all fun and games until you turn off the lights and you're face to face with a floating misshapen vagina, hovering in the sky like a depressed poltergeist.
9. This thing that most definitely could be a telescope
Spoiler alert: it's not. And I'll admit, it took me like five readings of the description to understand what this thing actually is. With five different frequencies and speeds, this little metallic demon is essentially a Fleshlight with a brain. However, what it has in brains, it lacks in looks. How are you supposed to get off when you're fucking a piece of the International Space Station?
10. The lippy soda can
Again, there's nothing wrong with owning sex toys. Presenting them for all to see, though? That's a little weird. This "cleverly" "disguised" mouth-in-a-soda-can facade is meant to fool those who find it and -- heaven forbid -- open it upside down. Look, if you're going to own a sex toy, own it. Don't pretend it's something that it's not -- that's why I stopped wearing a stethoscope to work. How funny would it be if one of your bros tried to take a drink out of this thing?
11. Fuck chair
Just try explaining your way out of this one when your Tinder date uncovers it in your closet. What do you want from me? It's a chair with a dick in it.
12. The bored Elisabeth Moss sex doll
I'm not crazy, right? It's Elisabeth Moss. That jawline, those sleepy eyes, the way she says your name when you unpack her from the box. Striking similarities aside, what kind of human wants to look a sex doll in the eyes while he's laying tube in his parents' basement?! There's something to be said about people who insist their sex dolls mimic the personalities of real-life, non-silicone women. Call me old fashioned, but I like my coffee black, my steak rare, my sex partners with a working central nervous system, and my Elisabeth Moss not staring back at me as I wonder where everything went wrong.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist by day and moonlights as a brand ambassador for Red Lobster by night.