The Internet Will Send You A Big Box of Drugs
I signed up immediately.
The Internet is, perhaps, the greatest learning tool in existence. At the click of a button, (followed by several more clicks of the very same button) you can get a box of condoms delivered to your doorstep. If you're not into that whole "safe sex" scene, you can flex your mixology skills with a box that allows you to make your own bitters.
The possibilities are endless—pending they fit into a cube of cardboard. Anyway, one of the more interesting monthly box operations is WellPath, a service that'll send you an ass-ton of herbal drugs based off how you feel and how you want to improve yourself. The Internet. Man!
How It Works
WellPath gives you a full-fledged questionnaire about the state of your body and soul. You input the information on exactly how you feel and what you'd like to improve about yourself. Emotional wellness, energy levels, libido, etc. It's a journey that doesn't end the moment you tell them you're unhappy with your libido. They'll constantly monitor your mood and performance and change your vitamins accordingly.
What They Ask
They start with the basics: height, weight, and waist size. I fudged the numbers a little bit, as I'm self-conscious about weight and can theoretically be a size 32 waist if I don't move, sit, walk, or sneeze.
Next, you're asked about your stress level, mood, and sex drive. I answered all these honestly, because I wanted to prove that a person can still have intercourse while simultaneously having a panic attack. Whoa, tough guy alert!
You're also asked to prioritize your life goals—which then helps the team at WellPath choose the vitamins that will best suit you. I ranked having a healthy libido over less important qualities like emotional wellness. What's that famous Gandhi quote? "Life ain't sh*t if your Jimmy broke."
Ugh, so full of wisdom, that man.
Two weeks after I signed up, I received four of these pill boxes chock full of a bespoke mixture of mood-enhancing natural drugs. They were separated into daily doses with seven pills for each day. My main issue were a lack of energy, concern about body weight, and militant devotion to my penis.
I asked my specialist to send me a list of exactly what I was putting in my body and she told me. (Keep in mind I asked all of this after my month was over. Smart.)
Multivitamin: To help improve digestion and aid in the absorption of nutrients. I inquired if there was anything in the multivitamin that could lead to me gaining the skill to regrow fingers. No response yet.
Fish Oil: Sustains healthy cholesterol levels, blood pressure, and heartbeat. I inquired how many fish were senselessly murdered for their precious oil. No response yet.
Digestive Enzyme: Known for their immune-boosting abilities, I assumed these enzymes could potentially fight off disease like mononucleosis. I called my friend Caitlyn from Connecticut, who got mono in ninth grade (and then gave it to me) and asked if she wanted to share a soda with me. No response yet.
CoQ-10: A fat-soluble, vitamin-like compound that supports healthy heart function and cellular energy production. Factors such as aging, genetic makeup, and cholesterol-lowering statins can result in a CoQ10 deficiency. In Layman's terms, I will forever be 27 years old.
5-HTP: A sleep aid.
Lutein: Helps maintain focus and color differentiation within the eye. I didn't have to inquire about gaining the ability to see in the dark, because I knew it would happen.
Fenugreek: Also known as Greek Hay, Fenugreek is an herb originally found in Asia and
the Mediterranean that have been traditionally used for metabolic assistance. My hopes were that I could eat Taco Bell for every meal of the day and feel fit as a bean-filled fiddle.
My month on WellPath left me feeling pretty damn fantastic. I felt rejuvenated. (Full disclosure: I slept more, drank less alcohol, and ate healthier in general. This may have helped.) Hell, you could've mistaken me for a 25-year-old boy. My emotional wellness, occasionally hit-or-miss, was (and still is!) an A+ and my increased libido made me want to purchase a Ming vase for the sole purpose of knocking it over with my rock-hard erection. Either that or those d*ck weights I've been using have finally paid off.
I don't know what my body's deal is, but I always seem to respond positively to herbal supplements. Maybe it's a placebo effect, or it could just be nature's way of telling me that my immune system is constantly ready for a Passover-level miracle. Either way, I'll take it.
If you're going to give the Internet your money, stray away from Nic Cage pillowcases and get on WellPath. Your body and mind will thank you. The Ming Dynasty will not.
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and doesn't like colors.