Nothing beats watching the big game in real time! Look at all the little guys down there! Hang on let me check my phone, OH WAIT YOU JUST MISSED THE GAME WINNING PLAY. If you're lucky the Jumbotron will tip its replay hat to the home team, but that's a best case scenario. You’re a fan of the other team? Nothing. Close play that could potentially embarrass the umpires? Fat chance you’ll see that slowed down on screen. MLB hates you and is protecting its image at every moment—never forget that. Better check Twitter to see if anyone’s uploaded the video.
Oh, and the NFL? The NFL hates you even more, and there is no way you’re going to get more than one or two looks at replay on whether Victor Cruz got both feet in bounds (he didn’t).
This is getting too easy. HDTV plus the 9,345 potential camera angles at each game divided by the amount of blades of grass you can count between Cruz’s cleat and the ground equals a winning f*cking combination. Miss it the first time around? Eight instant replays coming your way, pal. Missed all eight? Who cares, your local bar's got TiVo.
Another thing: watch a game this weekend. Tweet me if you witness one game in which not every single play had a dedicated replay. You won't be tweeting me, because every play is live dissected by BIG SMART MEN in the booth, and because there are only 11 minutes (eleven! Eleven f****** minutes in three hours!) of actual football played in a three-hour game, the television producers need something to fill the time.
Winner: The Bar, if only because you don't have to watch the nonsense that goes on during commercials.
Christ. Look at that avalanche of horror. Sporting events are not a hospitable environment. They are a war-zone. They will always be a war-zone. People’s lives are often threatened. Here's a little shopping list of the other land-mines waiting for you in the nosebleeds (or anywhere in the stadium for that matter).
1. Sitting in a row? Great, you can’t talk to anyone other than who’s right next to you.
2. Hoping to meet cute girls/boys at the game? Well, you have about a three-in-80,000 chance of it working out. This is not a Jennifer Aniston movie.
3. Some little league world series benchwarmer will ruin the game while he argues every ball and strike.
4. Getting up to get a beer? Oh, EXCUSE ME 17 STRANGERS, PLEASE MOVE YOUR LEGS. Sure, you could order from the vendor, but he needs to see your ID, and you’re going to have to have those 17 people fondle your ID and cash, and they’re going to hate you.
5. Have to pee? So do 20,000 other people. Prepare to hold it, as the Rangers-Flyers second period starts and you miss the best goal of the whole game.
None of the above is true. If the crowd at the bar sucks, well, guess what, there’s another one across the street. No cute girls in your area? Walk 10 feet, and your luck will probably change. You never have to wait to pee. I cannot stress this last point enough.
Winner: I’m getting sick of repeating myself.