There are a million things you can say about Woody Allen—and they've all been said...or, at least, typed out in all caps. Regardless of his bizarre personal life—or perhaps because of it—Woody Allen has been producing absolute comedic gold in his 78 years on Earth.
We went through this legendary Brooklynite's vast arsenal of writing and found 14 quotes that best exemplify his very particular, very neurotic steez...if what he has can even be labeled as "steez."
1. "I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling."
2. "I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
3. "To me, there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful."
4. "I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
5. "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
6. "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
7. "In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."
8. "I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat."
9. "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
10. "There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you."
11. "It's true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light."
12. "Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs."
13. "Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all."
14. “I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and definitely prefers Manhattan to Annie Hall. Sorry.