The American Line

Cologne's purpose is a devious one: to replace your naturally offensive musk with a more desirable scent, thereby helping you populate the earth with similarly noxious children in brash defiance of Nasal Darwinism. For a cologne with a more noble mission, spritz on The American Line.

Just launched, and donating a portion of its sales to the Veterans Administration, The American Line is a five-strong collection of Armed Forces-themed cologne that seeks to boil down the essence of each storied branch into 3.4 fl oz of aromatic goodness. Land and sky are covered with the Air Force's "Stealth", a combo of basil, warm spice, and brushed suede, and Army's "Patton", a woodsy blend of sage, bergamot, and cedar whose claim to "define masculinity" immediately prompted Burt Reynold's chest hair to lodge a complaint on Wikipedia. The watery branches are repped by the Marines' "Devil Dog", a "classic yet modern" fusion of sandalwood, cedar, and citric spices; and the "rush of deep aquatic notes merged with cool green leaf" that is the Navy's "Liberty", so named because the fragrance "knows no boundaries", just like girls' lacrosse, or that guy at work who keeps telling you about the amazing chick he picked up at Denny's.

Not to be forgotten, the Coast Guard's also getting in on the action with "Rip Tide", an "unmistakably nautical" citrus and spice "cocktail" -- an apt word, since next to cologne, that's the other most useful tool in spreading your naturally unsuitable genes.