There are certain events you look forward to gleefully every month, like...oh my god, your life is actually worthless. Change your situation, with Stunner of the Month.
Founded by two UV-hating, attention-loving grads from GW and American, Stunner's a just-launched subscription service that each month ships you a new pair of rare and unbranded $9 sunglasses, ensuring no one will recognize you as that man they couldn't quite recognize staring at them last month. Specific monthly arrivals are selected by an algorithm that considers gender, style preferences, and previously received shades; the total cache is currently 2000-strong, all handpicked during the founders' travels "around the world", and definitely not at one specific Chinatown dollar shop, on H street, 'cause that's your move. The styles are broken down into three categories: from the outrageous, Kanye-slotted specs of "Stuntastic Super Stunts", to the somewhat milder, two-toned joints of "Mezzanine Stunts", to the impeccably safe "Simple Stunts", mellow enough "for your grandma to wear" -- though frankly, solar shields are pretty damn extreme.
In the near future, "StunMo" will be fostering an online community of like-minded shade-y characters, and reviewing user-submitted photos to name one member "Stunner of the Month" -- worth no real money, but given your situation before joining this club, who the hell are you to complain?