Holiday Tipping Guide

You already know how to tip your doorman. This guide covers everyone else who makes their living servicing you.The guys in your company mailroom: Come bonus time, most businesses have no problem screwing over these proud, barely employable men. So, pool together $20 from each of your officemates and disperse the funds evenly -- this should be sufficient to keep them from stealing your Netflix.Your favorite exotic dancer: Tip whatever you'd spend on her over a typical, multi-lap dance evening -- which could be $100, or $1000, depending on your daringness with the company plastic. The dancers we polled also recommended a certificate for a spa treatment (shows you appreciate the physical grind of grinding) or a department store (shows you understand that she occasionally wears clothes). Your guy at the deli: His sandwich-making is an art -- an art that's keeping you alive. To determine tip, use this formula:

# sandwiches per week x half the cost of your standard order + $1 per any addition or substitution made on a regular basis = fat holiday tipwich
Your housekeeper: A day's wages. Double that if for any reason she's ever seen your balls. Your mailman: Federal law prohibits him from accepting cash, but you can give him a gift valued at $20 or less -- the exact range all crappy "Office Santa" gifts fall into. Lucky for you, your mailman loves Lipitor® mouse pads. Your regular masseuse: Tip the cost of your regular session. Your special masseuse: Tip the cost of your regular session, then add on your regular "tip". Your Regular Bartender: He works hard to keep you in the sauce. So, add up the number of drinks he serves you in an average week:
each bottled beer = $1
draught beers/unshaken cocktails = $2
Shaken cocktails = $3
Muddled cocktails = $4
Additionally, add $5 per each episode of on-premise vomiting.